


my blood is upon me

by Lynn1998



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Childhood Friends AU, Fluff, Happy Ending, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internalized Homophobia, Light Smut, M/M, Religion, Suicide Attempt, Therapy, mental health, questioning faith, religious Lance, underaged drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-07
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2019-04-19 15:21:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 32,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14240157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lynn1998/pseuds/Lynn1998
Summary: “It was…wrong…right?” He asked timidly. Insecure of himself and his story. Matt blinked and licked his lips. He shook his head.“No…that wasn’t wrong, Lance.”-In the wake of a suicide attempt, Lance’s works through his various issues through therapy. As he attends his sessions, he tries to accept himself for who he is and tried to make ammends with his boyfriend, Keith, while also try and please his homophobic parents.-(Updates twice a week Monday and Friday)-(TRIGGER WARNING: proceed with caution if MENTIONS OF SUICIDE, DESCRIPTION OF SUICIDE ATTEMPTS, RELIGION, and HOMOPHOBIA triggers you)





	1. Who?

**Author's Note:**

> I’m gonna be upfront right here: this fan fiction has no intent to romanticize suicide or sensationalize the act of attempting suicide. The overall story expands on themes of religion, and how growing up in a church can affect LBGTQ+ people into their adult life, as well as how a suicide attempt affects people and their loved ones.
> 
> If you are thinking of hurting yourself or attempting suicide please call your national suicide hotline and talk to someone. It’s not something to take lightly.
> 
> Ngl writing this made my depression act up a little bc it made me think about certain things. Serious warning if you even have mild depression because it might make it act up.
> 
> Thank you for reading, and stay safe <3

     It all started…a long time ago. Lance grew up in the church his whole life. He couldn’t exactly recall when he started going, but he knew he was baptized and blessed in the same church he called home for years to come. It was a nice church, y’know? There were plenty of kids his age, and all his younger and older siblings were there with him. His mother gave him his first cross necklace for his first birthday, and he had kept it ever since. Running his fingers over the warm metal that stayed flush against his heart always made him feel safe. But it didn’t make him feel safe in his current situation as he let out shaky breaths.

“Lance, we just want to know why you did what you did,” the therapist said. His parents were sat on the couch with him, and he couldn’t bare to met their sorrowful stares.

“I-It was an accident…y’know…college life was just getting too stressful, and…I wasn’t thinking straight,” Lance said.

“You were found with that _boy_ , Lance,” his mother reminded him. Lance’s fingers trembled as he pulled them away from his neck.

“He was just…helping me,” Lance insisted.

“He had his filthy hands all over you, Lance. What are we supposed to think about that?” His father said coldly.

“I dunno. That the water was cold?”

“Lance-“

“Perhaps, it would be better if I spoke with Lance one on one,” the therapist said. 

     He had a smaller build than most men, but still had an admirable air to him that demanded respect. His mousy brown hair was a little shaggy, and his caramel eyes were pointed at Lance’s parents. The scar on his cheek helped make him slightly intimidating, but his neatly groomed face made him look much younger than he must actually be.

“Doctor Holt-“

“It is my job to get the full story and help your son. Clearly, he cannot do that when he is obviously intimidated by your presence,” Doctor Holt said. 

     Lance’s mother’s mouth got thin like it always did when she felt insulted. Usually, Lance would be on his parents side and try to defend them so they could stay, but he couldn’t deny that Doctor Holt was right. He couldn’t truthfully tell his side of the story with his parents present.

     Eventually, his father stood up, and his mother followed him out into the waiting area. Once the door clicked shut behind them, Lance let out a large sigh of relief.

“Thank you…so much, Doctor Holt,” he said running his fingers through his hair. A smile tugged at Doctor Holt’s lips.

“Please. Call me Matt. Doctor Holt is my father,” he said. “Also, I do believe you were close friends with my younger sister in high school. Katie?” Lance nodded.

“Yeah…we called her Pidge.”

“That’s a childhood nickname, actually,” he said with a chuckle. “I never thought she’d like it so much to want to use it with her friends.” Lance smiled a little back.

“Yeah, she…she was always full of surprises. I miss her sometimes. It’s a shame we lost track of each other,” he said. Matt shrugged.

“That’s just how life works. She understands. In fact, she told me to tell you that she was sorry when she heard I was speaking with you today,” Matt told him. Lance blinked and his smile became tense.

“She didn’t do anything wrong,” he said fondly.

“Yeah, she knows that. She just feels kinda guilty.”

“I’m fine-“

“Lance,” Matt interrupted him, and Lance looked up at his therapist. His eyes had gone serious, and he sounded much more professional. The warmth in his voice, long gone. “Tell me what happened.” Lance licked his lips nervously. His knee was shaking, and he leaned on the arm rest.

“…have you ever…I dunno…done something really… _really_ stupid as a kid? Like…so stupid, it ruined the rest of your life?” He asked. Matt pursed his lips in thought and then shook his head.

“Can’t say that I have,” he replied. Lance nodded and then leaned forward on his shaking knees.

“Thought so…”

“Something tells me that you think you have.”

“I _know_  that I have…” Lance insisted. He looked down at the scratches on his wrist and ran his finger down the scabbed up rivers across his skin.

“We met when I was five…he was six, and like…there was only three or four months when we’d be the same age. I remember he’d make fun of me for it sometimes, but I’d call him a butthead and he’d instantly get super pissed,” Lance recalled the memories and chuckled at them. “His face would always scrunch up when he was mad at me. It was…it was really cute.”

“Who?” Matt asked curiously. Lance sighed and looked up at him. He held up his wrist to showcase the marks.

“Keith.”

 

* * *

 

 

     The first time Lance met Keith, he was obsessed with the fact that he had such fluffy black hair. At his church, it was mostly people who looked like him. Tanned skin, full bouncy dark brown hair, and beautiful chocolate eyes surrounded him everywhere. Sometimes there was a boy with curly dark locks, but it looked brown in comparison to Keith’s. Lance was one of the few people with blue eyes, and everyone would compliment him on it every Sunday.

     His first instinct was the lean forward over the pew and stick his finger in his long hair until it met the nape of his neck. Then, he turned around and Lance was face with pale skin and wide navy eyes. His eyebrows shot up with surprise at the other boy’s appearance. Sure, he had seen boys like him in school, but never at church. It instantly grabbed his interest.

“Whoa…you’re eyes are blue like mine!” Lance gasped. Then he felt a hand on his shoulder, and he jumped and looked back.

“Lance, youth group is in five minutes,” his mother whispered. “You can talk to your friend when you are dismissed.”

“Oh…” he looked back at the pale boy looking at him with owlish eyes. “I’ll see you in youth group,” he whispered.

“Youth what?” The boy whispered back.

     Immediately after that, the kids were dismissed to youth group. Lance hopped off the pew and urged the pale boy to follow him. He asked his parents if he could go, and then Lance was leading him down the hall to their little room. The teacher was as nice and as cheery as always, and Lance told Keith he was in love with her. Keith told him she was too old for Lance, to which Lance said he was just naturally into older women. By the end of the day, Lance has claimed Keith as his friend and introduced him to Hunk during youth group. Hunk was his best friend. He liked everyone, so it wasn’t hard for him and Keith to become friends.

     Within a couple weeks, Keith quickly became one of Lance’s best friends. They chatted and teased each other throughout all of youth group, and played on the playground as they waited for their parents to stop talking and take them home. It was almost a routine for Lance. Go to church, sing hymns, poke the back of Keith’s neck, escape to youth group, grab the after church snack, and then play together on the playground. Sunday instantly became Lance’s favorite day of the week.

     The rest of the week was boring because Lance didn’t go to school with Keith. He had class with Hunk, but Hunk didn’t really play like Keith did. Keith was a little shy at first, but once Lance provoked him enough, he was _exhilarating_. He was fast, and exciting, and even dangerous at times. He made Lance feel excited and full of energy. Hunk just didn’t get into the game the same way.

     Keith went to church camp with Lance over their summers together. Hunk’s parents didn’t trust him in the outdoors, so he never went. While Lance missed Hunk during the few weeks he’d be gone, he learned to appreciate his time with Keith. They’d laugh and bond over the camp activities, and Lance would make fun of how easily Keith would burn in the sun. His red and white face would scrunch with anger whenever Lance did, and a counselor would usually have to help them get along again.

     When they finally turned ten, Lance found himself in the lower reading and math level. Hunk was much smarter than him in those areas, so he’d have math and reading class in a different classroom. That made Lance sad, and he couldn’t figure out why he couldn’t have class with Hunk. Eventually, that made him prefer Keith a little more because…well, because it got to a point where he spent more time with him. Their parents would plan sleepovers for them, and Lance discovered that he loved waking up Keith for church on Sundays. There was one day Lance would never forget, and it was the day that he blamed for ruining his life. 

     The night before they had a sleepover again. Lance and Keith fell asleep on the couch, giggling and reading ghost stories from a book they got from the library. When they woke up, Lance’s dad made fun of them for sleeping so close together. Lance didn’t see the harm in it, and didn’t recognize the bite to his father’s words. The rest of the day was normal. Everything was really really normal. Hunk was normal, youth group was normal, and snack was normal. What wasn’t normal was that Lance suddenly became aware of how much of his day consisted of Keith.

     It started with the comment his dad made, and then he noticed he always held Keith’s hand as he lead him to the classroom. Then it was Keith sitting next to him, Keith arguing with him, and Keith standing next to him during communion prayer. Him and Keith sharing the after church snack, and then Keith following him out to the playground. They were nearly too old for the playground, so they climbed trees instead.

“You, are a helpless damsel in distress!” Lance announced pointing down to his friend from a higher branch. Keith glared up at him.

“What? I’m a boy!” He insisted.

“Sorry, princess! Boys don’t have long hair!” Lance giggled and climbed higher. Keith climbed after him.

“They can if they want to!” Keith insisted.

“Can’t hear you!” Lance said as he made sound effects with his mouth. “I’m busy fighting off these monsters! Your life is in danger! Follow me, princess!” He called.

“ _Prince_ ,” Keith growled through clenched teeth. 

     Lance chucked broken branches off at invisible creatures, and got to the top with Keith trailing behind him. He reached down, and pale fingers wrapped around his wrist. The boys settled on the thickest highest branch next to each other, and laughed with heavy breaths. They looked out at the playground and the church, and eventually back to one another. Lance blinked at Keith, and was still smiling from earlier. Keith was smiling back, and Lance leaned forward without thinking. Keith immediately sat up straight as Lance missed and kissed the corner of his mouth. He blinked at Lance with wide eyes, and then Lance blushed. He would never forget what Keith asked him after that kiss, and he’d never forget what he said in response.

 

* * *

 

 

“He just looked at me and asked me…’why did you do that?’,” Lance said. “And then I just…” he shrugged, imitating his younger self. “‘I just saved your life, so it’s the least you could do,’…I mean, I was even a tool back then,” he said. Matt was frowning, but listening intently.

“It was…wrong…right?” He asked timidly. Insecure of himself and his story. Matt blinked and licked his lips. He shook his head.

“No…that wasn’t wrong, Lance,” he said. Lance sighed. “I’m sorry…clearly this is something you need to talk about and resolve, but…what does this have to do with what happened?” He asked. Lance shrugged and looked away shyly.

“I think…I think I was always in love with Keith, and…” he scratched the back of his neck. “I dunno. I kinda felt like I couldn’t live with that.” Matt checked his watch and sighed.

“I’m sorry, but that’s all the time we have today,” he announced. Lance nodded and stood up. Matt stood with him.

“I want you to come in tomorrow, and we’ll continue from here,” he said holding his hand out for Lance to shake. Lance nodded and accepted. “And, if you can, try and come by yourself. I don’t really want your parents to try and change your story.” Lance smiled and nodded again.

“Will do, doc.”


	2. Wrong

Keith: can we talk?

Keith: I’m worried about you

Keith: I just wanna make sure you’re okay…

Keith: do your parents really want you to file a restraining order against me?

Keith: I’m sorry…

     Lance scrolled through his messages as he waited in the waiting area. He had already paid the co-pay, and all he had to do was sit there until Matt got him. It was annoying because he didn’t even want to be caught up in all this restraining order lawsuit business, but his parents were so hellbent on trying to get some money out of his horrible situation. Reading the messages made Lance think about it again, and he missed the feeling of Keith’s hands holding his shivering body. He was almost tempted to respond when the door opened.

“Lance?”

     Matt stood there with a smile, as Lance got up and followed him to his room. He sat down on the couch again, and his phone went off again. His father’s name flashed across the screen, and he sighed before accepting the call. Matt flashed him a confused look before Lance mouth the word “dad”.

“Lance? Where are you?” His dad asked.

“I’m in my dorm,” Lance lied.

“I thought you were coming over for lunch. Your mother and I are very worried,” he said.

“Sorry, I just…I got a lot of stuff to do. I’ll be over for dinner,” he said. His father sighed, and Lance could hear the disappointment in his voice.

“Very well. See you then.”

“See ya…” they ended the call without even saying. “I love you”.

“Family issues?” Matt asked.

“They really didn’t like being asked to leave yesterday,” was all he said.

“Do they still want you to file the restraining order?” Lance nodded. “Do /

_you_  want to file a restraining order?” He pressed. Lance looked at his nails as he fiddled with them.

“No…I mean…he didn’t do anything wrong,” Lance muttered. His phone vibrated with a text, and he was a little too eager.

“What does it say?” Matt asked. Lance looked up at him and then down at the message.

“Its Keith…he said…sorry if I’m spamming you, but you know how I feel about radio silence. I’m really not trying to get something out of this. I just wanna know if you’re okay,” Lance read before turning off his phone and turning it on silent. He then stuffed it in his pocket and sighed.

“Why aren’t you replying to Keith?” Matt asked. Lance shrugged.

“I dunno what to say…there’s just too much going on.”

“Does it have anything to do with your feelings for Keith?” Lance bit his lip and shook his head.

“I don’t have feelings for him anymore,” he lied.

“You told me you were always in love with Keith. It sounded like you were suggesting your guilt was one of the things that caused you to attempt suicide last week,” Matt said. 

     Lance took in a deep breath through his nose. His lips were thin, much like his mother’s when she was angry. Then he blushed and let his breath out. He buried his face into his hands and shook his head.

“I never should’ve…fuck, I’m an idiot,” Lance muttered.

“You’re not an idiot.”

“But I totally am,” he insisted and let his hands down. “I never should’ve let myself…” he trailed off and looked down at his feet.

“Why do you think you’re an idiot?” Matt questioned.

“Because…I’m doing something wrong. Just by like existing,” his eyes had gone red and puffy. He sniffled and then wiped away the snot.

“What are you doing wrong, exactly? Don’t try and censor yourself.”

“You know what it is. Don’t make me say it,” Lance snapped.

“Lance,” Matt said. His voice called Lance’s attention, and he gave a watery sigh. A tear rolled down his face, and he blinked down a couple more.

“I like Keith…I _love_  Keith. He…I’m attracted to him, a-and…I didn’t understand it at first. Because we were so little and all, but…” Lance wipes at his tears. “That next week…after I kissed him for the first time, New York passed their gay marriage law, and my pastor went crazy. He gave this giant speech about how it’s _wrong_  and how it’s _disgusting_ and _vile_ ,” Lance continued. Matt continued to listen and nodded.

“That’s a lot for a kid to take in.”

“I just…I couldn’t figure out _why_  it was so wrong. All I knew was that it was gross, and I instantly started to avoid Keith,” Lance told him.

“I take it Keith has been in and out of your life a lot,” Matt observed. Lance nodded. “Can you tell me about when he came back in your life after you started to avoid him?” He asked. Lance nodded and wiped his tears away again.

“We were in high school…he stopped going to church after elementary school, and so did his parents. My dad became the new pastor, and I knew I was partly the reason Keith left. He was really angry with me because I kept ignoring him…” he sighed and smiled a little. “It was really hard the first week because he just assumed I was giving him the silent treatment, and just…went along with it. He just sat with me in silence, and ate snack with me in silence…he threw bark chips at me to get any reaction out of me, and then we got into a fight,” Lance chuckled at the memory. Matt smiled.

“Sounds like you had a really good friend back then.”

“Yeah…but as the weeks went by it hurt a lot more. Once he left, it was hard looking at the empty pew in front of me every week…”

“You mentioned you were in high school together. Tell me more about that,” Matt urged. Lance nodded.

“Yeah…high school…”

 

* * *

 

 

     High school was almost like a big restart button. When Lance saw Keith for the first time again, he was conflicted. Conflicted because Keith looked so _different_  and yet exactly the same. He had the same mullet kind of hairstyle and fresh pale skin, but he was just…darker. His eyes were rounded with black smoke, and his clothes all matched. Black shirts and ripped jeans, and leather boots, and leather jacket, and sometimes black nail polish. The little boy in pastel dress shirts and khakis pants was gone, and instead there was a shy emo teenager that still made Lance’s heart beat out of his chest.

     Freshman year wasn’t anything special. They eventually became friends again through mutual friends. Hunk made friends with a girl named Pidge in his Math class, and they would eat lunch with Lance. Pidge made friends with Keith during their study hall period, and Hunk had a shop class with Keith. Lance usually sat in the front of his classes, so he didn’t realize he had English with Keith until the third month. They all finished freshman year together, and ditched the last day to go out for some ice cream.

     Sophomore year was harder. Lance got his first girlfriend within the first month, and Keith got an earring within the same week. It was distracting because it was a ring and not a stud, and also because it made Lance actually pay attention to Keith. He tried to ignore the feelings it stirred up inside him, and instead tried to focus on his girlfriend.

     A couple months later, Lance was invited to a Christmas party. He had never been to a high school party yet, and he thought to himself “I’d be stupid _not_  to go to this thing”, and after the fact he wished that he _was_  stupid. He attended the party way earlier than he needed to, and avoided the alcohol the entire time. 

     It actually wasn’t as fun as he thought it would be. It mostly consisted of kids getting high and making out in random corners of the house. His girlfriend didn’t want to go, and he could see why. Once it started to get a little bearable, it was just him, Keith, Pidge, Hunk and a few other friends from class. Pidge and Keith had been passing a blunt back and forth, and Hunk was happily sipping on some beer. Lance felt a little out of place, and then even more out of place when someone suggested spin the bottle.

“Hey, is that bottle empty, big guy?” One of their classmates, Kevin, asked. Hunk looked down at the bottle next to him and picked it up.

“Yup!” He said passing the bottle to him.

“Awesome, let’s play spin the bottle,” he said with a grin.

“What’s that?” Lance asked. Chuckles erupted from around the circle.

“Hey, I forgot church boy was here tonight,” Kevin said with a fond smile. He said it in a friendly way, and not in a mocking way. Lance shrugged.

“What can I say? I’m the life of the party.”

“Exactly. Okay, party boy, spin the bottle is a kissing game,” one of the girls, Jessica, said. Lance laughed nervously.

“What? Guys, I have a girlfriend,” he said.

“Its okay. It’s just a game. Nothing serious,” Kevin assured him.

“I’ll go first!” Another girl, Claire, said. 

     She drunkenly crawled forward and spun the bottle. It landed on Hunk, and she wobbled over to him giggling. They kissed, and Lance couldn’t help but gawk at the scene in front of him. She pulled away still giggling and Hunk was bright red.

“Now you spin!”

     The game continued like that for a while. Each time the bottle spun, Lance could feel his body getting tense. He prayed and prayed that it wouldn’t land on him, and each time he felt himself relax when his prayers were answered. The bottle went from Hunk, to Jessica, to Kevin, to Pidge, to another boy named Jason, back to Claire, and then on Keith. Lance watched how uncomfortable Keith was with Claire merely kissing his cheek, and they all laughed as if they knew something he didn’t. Then Keith spun, and Lance must’ve been too distracted to pray because suddenly the mouth was pointed directly at him. He froze, and stared at Keith with wide eyes. Everyone cheered, and he couldn’t help but notice a light blush that complimented Keith’s shy smirk.

 

* * *

 

 

“He just…” Lance trailed off and bit his lip looking at his shoes. “He just looked kinda happy. Like he was hoping it would land on me.”

“Something tells me that he was,” Matt said. Lance shook his head and sighed.

“I wish he wasn’t…he’s always been kinda obvious about it, and…I dunno. Sometimes I’m scared that’s what I’m like too,” Lance said. “I’m scared that my parents are being so tough on me because they can just _tell_.”

“Maybe. Or maybe they just want what they believe is best for you,” Matt suggested. “I mean, they basically bullied your school into paying for this.“

“Maybe…I dunno.”

“Do you want to tell me what happened after the bottle landed on you?” Matt asked. Lance was quiet for a minute.

“How much time do we have left?” He asked. Matt glanced at his watch.

“Five minutes,” he answered. Lance sighed.

“I’ll tell you tomorrow…right? Tomorrow?” He asked rubbing his eyes.

“Yup. You’ve got a full week booked with me, and after that we’ll try every other day for a while. If we think you need something a little more intense, I’ll discuss that with you,” Matt told him. Lance nodded.

“Okay…”

“I don’t take suicide attempts lightly. I’m very glad you ended up in my chair.” Lance smiled a little.

“Me too, doc.”


	3. Spinning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Why did you kiss me?” Keith asked. Lance stiffened, stunned by the question, and trying to think of an excuse. He crossed his arms.
> 
> “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Lance denied.
> 
> “Yes, you do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New update schedule! Every Monday and Friday <3

“When is your next therapy session?” Lance’s mother asked over dinner. Lance shoveled his rice in his mouth, and chewed before answering.

“I have one tomorrow,” he answered.

“Can we come?” She asked. Lance was quiet for a moment.

“Uh…not yet. Doctor Holt wants to continue our one on one to…to sort out my own feelings, and then…he’ll bring you in when…when I’m ready to talk about family stuff,” he said. Lance’s father sighed.

“That’s ridiculous. You’re our son. We have the right to be there,” he said stubbornly. Lance swallowed hard and ate more of his food.

“Well…I’m twenty one, so…technically you don’t have that right anymore-“

“You’re still our son. We still care about you a lot,” his mother interrupted. Lance shrugged.

“It's just how he wants to go about this. It’s mostly like…a me problem. You guys don’t need to worry. He’s helping me a lot, actually,” Lance lied. Lance’s mother sighed and his father shook his head.

“I just don’t understand why we can’t be there,” he grumbled. Lance said nothing and continued eating his dinner.

 

* * *

 

 

“They’re impossible!” Lance shouted.

“Lance-“

“I mean, who do they think they are? I’ve been moved out for years now! Suddenly they want me over for dinner every night, a-and they want me to text them all the time? They wanna be _here?_  While I’m _spilling my guts out?_ “ Lance continued pacing back and forth in Matt’s office. “They’re insane! Absolutely _insane_  if they think this is helping me!” He groaned and finally sat down. Matt waited for a few minutes as Lance ran his fingers through his hair and pouted with leaky eyes.

“Are you done?” He asked. Lance sniffled and nodded. “Lance, you almost killed yourself,” he reminded him. Lance wriggled uncomfortable at those words. It was so…unlike him. It just didn’t fit him.

“I know…” he muttered.

“You’re not the only one who was affected by that,” Matt told him. Lance blinked up at him. “Your parents love you very much. Imagine if you had a child, loved it with all your heart, raised it by your own morals and what you believed, and then found out one day through a phone call that he almost drowned himself in the river.” Lance flinched.

“I…t-that’s not-“

“Lance, Keith saw you jump,” Matt told him. “He said it in the police report.”

     Suddenly Lance’s throat felt heavy and hot. His actions finally catching up to him. He sniffled again and tears rushed down his cheeks. He ran his fingers over the scratches on his forearms. They were a little faded now, but still three dimensional. The memory of Keith’s nails burning into his flesh as he was pulled above the rushing stream. His body was still bruised from the rocks.

“I didn’t know what else to do,” Lance said quietly. Matt sighed.

“It's hard, Lance, but in a way, you’ve broken your trust with almost everyone in your life. You broke the trust that they had in you to keep yourself safe.”

“It was a one time thing-“

“Doesn’t matter. Let them check up on you, because they need you to tell them you’re still alive,” Matt told him. Lance sighed.

“I regret it,” he mumbled. Matt nodded.

“The important part is that you’re alive. A suicide attempt hurts everyone, but let me tell you they’re all extremely grateful that you didn’t succeed.”

“They have Keith to thank…and they don’t even want me to be within a hundred feet of him.”

“Have you spoken to Keith yet?” Matt asked. Lance shook his head.

“I got another message last night. He said he’d stop bothering me with the messages, but…he misses me and shit,” Lance replied.

“You should definitely think about it,” Matt encouraged. “Do you wanna continue your story from yesterday?” He asked. Lance nodded and wiped the remaining wetness from his face.

“Yeah, Okay…spin the bottle…”

 

* * *

 

 

“Oh, haha! Oops! Let’s just spin again,” Lance said light heartedly.

“What? Why?” Jessica asked. Lance felt his heart skip a beat.

“Uh…I-It's just that…I have a girlfriend,” he replied.

“Oh, c’mon, dude. It’s just a game,” Jason said.

“Yeah, I mean Vanessa has been to a high school party. If she really didn’t want you to play these kinds of games she would’ve told you so before you left,” Hunk told him. Lance looked around at everyone, and felt himself sweat when he noticed the slightly disappointed look on Keith’s face.

“W-Well, I’m not gay either…s-so-“

“Oh, what- _ever_ , dude,” Claire scoffed.

“I mean, everyone is at least a little bi,” Pidge pointed out. “It’s like scientifically proven.”

“Sorry guys, it’s just not really me. I don’t really believe in that stuff,” he said.

“Whoa…” Hunk frowned at him, and Lance slowly realized everyone was in shock at what Lance said.

“W-what?”

“That was kinda homophobic, dude,” Jessica said.

“What? I-I’m not saying I hate gay people! I-I’m just saying it’s not for me. People can do whatever they want. I’m just…y’know…into girls,” He stammered.

“Seriously, it's just a little kiss. It doesn’t even need to be on the lips!” Claire encouraged. Lance glanced at Keith and found him glaring holes in his head.

“I-I’m sure Keith doesn’t wanna either. I mean, not a lot of people are-“

“I am gay,” Keith announced. Lance blinked at him.

“Yeah, Keith’s been out for a while actually,” Pidge said.

“You…s-since when?” Lance asked. His voice wavered, and he was making explicit eye contact with Keith.

“Uh, I dunno, _Lance_. When did _you_ know you were _straight?_ “ Jessica sassed. Keith ignored her.

“I had this friend when I was little. We’d hang out all the time, and he kissed me on the lips one day. I’ve known ever since then,” he said.

     Suddenly the whole room felt like it was flipped upside down. Everything was just too _much_ , and Lance needed to get out of there _immediately_. The weed was suddenly ten times stronger, and Lance could smell the beer in Hunk’s breath right next to him. He bolted up to his feet and blinked down at his friends.

“I-I gotta go,” he stuttered and scrambled out of the circle.

“Lance-“ Keith got up and followed him.

“Keith, I don’t wanna do this now,” Lance said grabbing his jacket near the front door and walking out. Keith stomped after him.

“Then when _will_  we do this?” He asked loudly. Lance turned around glaring bane at him. “I’m surprised there’s even a ‘this’!”

“Just leave me alone,” Lance muttered and continued towards the gates.

“What _happened_ , Lance?” Keith shouted.

“I dunno, Keith. What _did_ happen?” Lance bit back. Keith marched after him.

“I don’t know! You haven’t talked to me in fucking _years!_ “

“I talked with you yesterday! We talked last week! We’ve been talking all year!” Lance snapped.

“You _know_ what I mean, Lance! We haven’t _really_ talked since fifth grade!”

“Well, you’ve been free to talk to me all year,” Lance said bitterly.

“Why did you kiss me?” Keith asked. Lance stiffened, stunned by the question, and trying to think of an excuse. He crossed his arms.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Lance denied.

“ _Yes_ , you _do_ ,” Keith insisted. Lance shook his head.

“No, I-“

“We were climbing a stupid tree! You called me a stupid fucking princess and you fucking _kissed me!_ “ Keith insisted.

“Whatever,” Lance pulled his phone out to text his mom.

“Just fucking tell me _why_.”

“Why do you care?” Lance growled.

“Because you were my best friend, dip-shit!” Keith’s voice cracked, and Lance looked up to see his eyes starting to turn red. “You were my best friend, and then suddenly…s-suddenly, you hated me! I had no idea what I did to make you hate me so much. All I knew was that _you_  kissed _me_ , and then suddenly I was alone…” Keith looked up at Lance with pleading eyes. Lance had grown a lot since he last saw Keith, and it just dawned on him that he was a few inches taller than him. “Then you were ignoring me…and then you told me to leave you alone all the time…it really hurt me, Lance…” he said. 

     Tears started to pool up in Keith’s eyes, and when he blinked it released a drop down his face. Lance forced himself to look away because he was certain if he looked any longer he would end up wiping away his tears and kiss him again. So instead, he continued to text his mom and then shove his hands in his pockets.

“It was a mistake, okay? I got too involved with the game, and I took it too far. I’m sorry, I guess,” Lance said. It was insincere, and Keith knew it. He frowned and shook his head.

“Y’know…maybe it’s a good thing we stopped being friends. I don’t trust liars like you,” he sneered and then turned to leave Lance out in the cold.

 

* * *

 

 

“Tissue?” Matt offered holding out a box. Lance nodded and took the box. He wiped the tears from his face, and took a shaky inhale.

“I felt so bad…because he just wanted a friend, and I…I made it gross,” he muttered. Matt frowned.

“Gross?”

“The kiss…I went along and just…tainted our friendship. It ruined us, a-and it was my fault,” Lance said.

“Lance…it wasn’t the kiss. It was clearly your pastor,” Matt told him. Lance shook his head.

“No…Pastor James just wanted us to be innocent…”

“And you _were_ innocent,” Matt insisted. “There was nothing wrong with kissing Keith when you were little.”

“I _hurt_ him,” Lance’s voice cracked.

“Because you left him. Not because you kissed him,” Matt told him. Lance let out a shaky sob and nodded.

“Fuck, that was such a shitty thing to do,” he whimpered.

“Everyone does shitty things, Lance. It’s whether or not we learn from it that makes us a better person,” Matt assured him. Lance nodded.

“I wanted to kiss him again that night…just…to let him know I still wanted to. He looked really sad, and it was so painful to watch him cry…” Lance pulled out another tissue, and he wiped away at his tears again.

“That means you really care about him,” Matt told him. Lance sighed.

“Are we out of time yet? I think I need a breather,” he asked. Matt looked at his watch.

“We actually went over about five minutes. I’m glad we did though. We have lots more to unpack tomorrow,” Matt said with a smile.

     Lance nodded and sniffled a little. They stood up and shook hands before parting ways. Matt told him to get lots of rest, and Lance promised he’d take a nape right when he got home. 

     He walked outside to his car and looked down at his phone. So far Keith had been true to his word, but Lance found himself craving another message from him. He took a deep breath and dialed his number. The phone barely rang once before Keith answered, and Lance’s breath got caught in his lungs.

“Lance? Are you okay? Have you been getting my messages?” The sound of his voice instantly made Lance happy and sad at the same time. Keith wasn’t usually like this either. He wasn’t the type to get super clingy and send a dozen messages, but Lance couldn’t help but like it. He sniffled.

“Hey, buddy,” he murmured. “Yeah, I got them…sorry…” Keith sounded like he was walking somewhere, and then a door closed and it was quiet.

“Sorry, I just needed to move somewhere quieter, but there’s no need for you to be sorry, I’m just…” Keith trailed off before sighing. “I’m just happy to hear from you.”

“I…I’m happy to hear from you too…” Lance replied feeling his cheeks get hot.

“So…so what’s up? What are you up to? Are you doing the therapy now? How was the hospital?” Keith asked at a mile a minute.

“Yeah, I just got done with a session. The hospital was really nice actually. They gave me good food and kept checking in with me. I kinda miss it actually, because ever since I got out, my parents have been hounding me,” Lance said. Keith chuckled a little, and Lance smiled. “I miss you…” he murmured. Keith was silent for a moment.

“I…y-yeah…I miss you too…”

“Um…” Lance glanced at his nails and took a deep breath. “I’m on my way back to my dorm here really soon…are you-“

“No! No, I’m free. I’ll meet you there,” Keith replied.

“Are you sure? I kinda thought I heard your professor earlier.”

“Oh, there's really nothing going on in class. Just some prep material for midterms. Nothing I care about,” Keith insisted. Lance smiled and licked his lips.

“Okay…Yeah, I’ll meet you there then.”

“I’ll meet you there…”


	4. Making sense

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “If a man lies with a male…as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination…they shall surely be put to death…their blood is upon them,” Lance recited word for word from his bible.
> 
> He could find those exact words in every bible he owned. His mini, leather bound bible he got for Christmas from his grandma. The first bible he got in youth group. His nicer bible he bought for teaching youth group. He could even find it on his fucking pocket bible on his iPad. It was everywhere, and those words haunted him everywhere. Every time he heard those words, all he could think about was Keith. His wide eyes staring at him, his lips agape and constantly begging for another kiss. Every time his brain was flooded with the scent of his church clothes, and the shampoo he used when he was a kid. Everything was Keith, and it made him feel worse.
> 
> “My blood is upon me…” 
> 
> -
> 
> Lance has some revelations about his feelings for Keith.

     When Lance got back to his dorm, Keith was waiting outside his door. He was just as breathtaking as the very first time Lance ever saw him, and it instantly made him smile. Keith saw Lance approach him, and he pulled himself from the wall. He looked at Lance with the utmost relief. It was the first time they’ve seen each other since the incident, and Lance couldn’t be happier to see him.

“Hey…” Keith said softly. Lance nearly melted. He repeated everything Matt was telling him in his head as he responded.

“Hey…” _This isn’t wrong_.

“I picked up some of your favorite ice cream. Uh…at least your favorite ice cream when we were in high school,” Keith said holding up a tub of cookies and cream ice cream. _This is perfectly normal._ Lance chuckled and pulled out his keys.

“Thanks…and, yeah, that’s definitely still my favorite,” he said as he unlocked his door. _This is okay._

     Keith followed him inside, and Lance told him to put the ice cream in the freezer as he put his stuff away. Keith did as he asked, and returned to Lance’s side within seconds. He didn’t really mind, and in fact, actually really liked the company. He quickly changed his shirt in his room, and he could feel Keith’s shy eyes running down the bare skin of his back. He turned around and Keith blushed looking away.

“Sorry…” he murmured. Lance shrugged.

“Its whatever,” he mumbled and went over to his bed. Keith followed and sat next to him. He took off his boots and sat in front of Lance with his legs crossed.

“So…how's the therapy?” Keith asked.

“Remember Pidge from high school?”

“Oh, yeah. We still chat sometimes,” Keith replied.

“Her brother is my therapist,” he said.

“Wow…no way.”

“Yeah…it's actually been helping me a little,” Lance admitted and shyly let his fingers rest on the bed space next to Keith’s.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah…”

“That’s really great, Lance,” Keith said and touched his arm. Lance instantly relaxed under the contact, and licked his lips.

“Yeah…”

“Lance, I…I’m really sorry,” he said. Lance was silent. “I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like…like you had to do that. I just…I-I just wanted you to make a decision, a-and it was selfish, but-“

     Keith stopped talking as Lance suddenly leaned over and kissed him. It was brief, but it was long enough to make Keith’s head spin. He blinked down at Lance’s lips as he slowly pulled back, and stayed hovered in front of him. It was then that Keith finally noticed how badly Lance was shaking.

“Lance…” he murmured and reached out to hold him. Lance’s breathing stuttered.

“‘M not gonna file the restraining order,” he said in one breath. Keith’s body slumped against his with relief. He cupped Lance’s face and pressed their foreheads together.

“Thank you,” he whispered.

“I was talking about you today,” Lance told him. Keith blinked at him.

“Today?”

“With Matt…I told him about sophomore year. Y’know…the party,” he said. Keith looked away as he remembered that night.

“Oh…”

“Keith, I…I’m really sorry-“

“Its okay,” Keith cut him off. Lance shook his head.

“I left you…all alone because…I didn’t know what to do,” Lance said. Keith nodded and held Lance against him.

“Exactly. You didn’t know what to do,” Keith assured him.

     Lance shook his head and pulled away to kiss Keith again. This time his lips were a lot more demanding. Almost desperate as he kissed and he kissed Keith like he did years ago. It felt so good to just forget about everything and kiss Keith. His arms held Keith tightly around his waist, and Lance realized how much he missed holding him close and loving him.

 

* * *

 

 

“The last time I kissed Keith was…” Lance trailed off as he thought about it. “Well, there's been many times he’s kissed me, but when _I_ kissed _him_ …we were probably seniors in high school. Maybe freshmen in college,” he said. Matt furrowed his brows.

“Did you ever make up after the spin the bottle fight?” He asked. Lance smiled.

“Why do you think I kissed him?” Lance replied. Matt smiled back and laughed a little.

“Alright, so I take it this is a happy memory?” He asked. Lance sighed.

“There was a point in my life when…when I thought it was okay. I was actually really happy with myself and with Keith…I kinda miss it, and I kinda felt that again last night,” Lance told him.

“Was it _only_ kissing last night?” Matt asked raising a brow. Lance blushed and rolled his eyes.

“Please, I was emotionally exhausted. You saw me.”

“So not only kissing?”

“I mean…we did cuddle… _a lot_. He slept in my bed with me, and…it made me feel really safe…” his eyes stung as he thought about waking up to Keith’s warm body behind him that morning.

“Was it because of Keith, or was it just because there was someone there?” Matt asked.

     Lance thought back to last night. The way Keith pressed gentle kisses to his lips and his forehead. Keith hugging him tight, suffocating and desperate, promising he’d never let him go. Eating ice cream together as they watched a movie on Lance’s shitty laptop. Falling asleep with the sensation of Keith’s lips against the nape of his neck. Imagining all of that with anyone else instantly made Lance want to gag.

“It was definitely because of Keith…”

 

* * *

 

 

     It was another high school party. Lance still hadn’t resolved anything with Keith, and it was starting to get to him. It had been over a year, and within that year Lance broke up with Vanessa and started dating a girl from church named Betty. She was really sweet and kind and cute, but most of all, she didn’t constantly try and get into his pants.

     Lance was too nervous to really go super far with Vanessa. They would make out, and they’d leave hickeys sometimes, but once it started to get any further, Lance felt extremely uncomfortable. For some reason, it made him mad about Keith again, and thinking about Keith while having sex was not something Lance was about to do. Plus, his mom would kill him if he had nonmarital sex, but he didn’t really care about that. He was a teenage boy, and so he couldn’t keep his hormones at bay.

     Still, even with a girlfriend who was totally abstinent, he wasn’t happy. They broke up right before spring break of his junior year, and Lance went to the closest house party he could find. It took him five seconds to find Hunk and then the beer. It was the first beer he had ever had, but he found that he just didn’t care. Eventually he found a piano, and started singing hymns like in the TV show Freaks and Geeks. It made him smile and forget about all his problems once Hunk joined in, and they ended the last song laughing and sipping their beer.

“Hey, man. I didn’t know you drank.” Hunk noticed.

“Well, I do now!” Lance announced proudly.

“Right. You good, buddy?” He asked.

“Never better!” He replied and chugged the rest of his beer. “Whoo!” He cheered and slammed it down on the piano.

“Okay…what’s up?”

“Oh, nothing much. Betty and I just broke up, but-“

“Okay. Yeah, that’s what I thought,” Hunk sighed and crossed his arms. “C’mon, dude. Let’s get you out of here,” He said and helped Lance up.

“What? What’s wrong? I’m just talking,” he said. Hunk shook his head.

“I’m gonna take you upstairs while I sober up, and then I’m taking you home,” Hunk replied.

“Whaaaaat? No way! I’m having fun,” Lance mumbled as Hunk took his hand. He allowed his friend to lead him upstairs to an empty room, and then flopped down on the mattress.

“I’ll be back up soon, and then we’ll leave in about an hour, okay? I gotta find my coat and shoes downstairs,” Hunk said.

“Mmmmmmm…” Lance hummed and waved him off. “Okay.”

     Hunk left him after that, and suddenly Lance felt incredibly alone. It was in that moment that he decided he didn’t like being drunk. He blinked and was stuck staring up at the ceiling. Looking at the texture of the paint and the stains from the years of living, Lance felt the most alone he had ever felt in his life. Downstairs, he could hear people laughing and talking over the music, and all he could think about was how much of a disgrace he was.

“If a man lies with a male…as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination…they shall surely be put to death…their blood is upon them,” he recited word for word from his bible.

     He could find those exact words in every bible he owned. His mini, leather bound bible he got for Christmas from his grandma. The first bible he got in youth group. His nicer bible he bought for teaching youth group. He could even find it on his fucking pocket bible on his iPad. It was everywhere, and those words haunted him everywhere. Every time he heard those words, all he could think about was Keith. His wide eyes staring at him, his lips agape and constantly begging for another kiss. Every time his brain was flooded with the scent of his church clothes, and the shampoo he used when he was a kid. Everything was Keith, and it made him feel worse.

“My blood is upon me…” Lance murmured to himself.

     Just as he said that, the door burst open and slammed shut just as quickly. Lance maneuvered his head as much as he could from how tired the beer made him feel, and spotted Keith leaning his back against the door. He wore his usual black jeans and shirt, but this time his ears had another piercing. His chest huffed as he panted, huddled on the floor. He ran his fingers through his hair, and Lance turned his head away and sighed. The room was silent for a moment before the other boy spoke.

“…Lance?”

“Wow, you can recognize me just based on my sigh alone. You must be in love with me,” Lance murmured dreamily. His eyes drifted shut, and they didn’t open again until he heard boots walk over to him.

“What are you doing here?” Keith asked. Lance giggled.

“‘M drunk,” he said. Keith sighed and put his hands on his hips.

“I can see that,” he said. Lance then sat up and reached for Keith’s arm. “Uh…”

“Sit down with meeeee!” He begged. He then looked up at Keith with big eyes, and pouted. “I know you wanna…” Keith blushed and shook his head.

“You’re drunk. You need to like, chill out a little,” he said, despite the fact that he was crawling on to the bed. Lance laughed and laid down again.

“Haha! I need Jesus, that’s what I need,” Lance giggled. Keith rolled his eyes and took off his boots.

“You okay, man?” He asked.

“‘M great now that you’re here,” Lance hummed and propped his head up with his elbow. Keith raised a brow and laid on his stomach.

“Wow, you really are drunk.”

“Let’s play a game! Like…oh! Truth or dare! I’ll go first. Gimme a dare,” Lance rambled. Keith couldn’t help but smile a little.

“I dare you to take care of yourself, dude,” he replied. Lance groaned.

“Ughhhh, _boring_. Okay, truth or dare?” He asked. Keith shrugged.

“Truth?”

“Why are you in here? It seemed like you were trying to get away from someone,” Lance noted, leaning a little closer. Keith sighed.

“I’m hiding…”

“From who?”

“My ex.”

“Who’s your ex?” Lance asked, finding himself extremely interested in Keith’s dating history.

“Alex,” he answered.

“Whoa, really?”

“Yeah.”

“Like from tech theater?” He asked. Keith nodded.

“Yup.”

“Wow…”

“Uh-Huh…”

“I didn’t even know he was gay.”

“Yeah, well he didn’t either until he met me,” Keith said.

     Lance laughed, and Keith laughed with him. He had opened his body a lot more to Lance, and was surprised to feel Lance’s fingers running down his arm. It was suggestive and flirty when he looked down at where their skin met. Butterflies filled his stomach when he looked back up at Keith. He bit his bottom lip, and watched as Keith’s eyes caught it. Silence had settled into the room, but Lance was quick to break it.

“I broke up with Betty tonight,” he murmured. Keith blinked and frowned.

“You…”

“Well, It was more like a mutual break up, but…it’s kinda weird right now,” Lance said.

“How so?”

“I mean…I thought I’d be sad. Like, I’m not happy either, but I’m not sad about it,” Lance explained.

“That just means that Betty wasn’t the one,” Keith replied simply. Lance hummed and focused his eyes on his fingers on Keith’s arm.

“I miss you…” he mumbled. Keith bit his lip.

“Look…Lance, I’m really sorry about last year,” Keith said.

“What for?” Lance murmured.

“Everything…that night, I just…I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I mean, I still think it’s something to talk about, but…not like that,” Keith said. Lance found himself staring at his lips. “And if you’re confused about something, or if you’re still scared…I kinda understand because when you kissed me…” his words lead into a chuckle. He looked down and Lance fell in love. “When you kissed me, I really liked it. I didn’t realize it until later, but I really, _really_  liked it and I wanted you to do it again,” Keith admitted.

“Oh…” Lance murmured, not really paying a ton of attention, but watching his lips closely. Keith nodded looking at the wall, and then turned to face Lance.

“I just wanted-“

     Before he could finish what he was saying, Lance had leaned forward far enough to kiss him right on the mouth. This time, he didn’t miss because he wanted those lips more than anything. Keith was obviously shocked at first, but eventually kissed Lance back. The kiss ended, and Lance was the first to press harder and kiss longer. He slipped his hand over the small of Keith’s back, and then Keith slowly moved and eased himself between Lance’s long legs.

     It felt good. Like really, _really_ good. So good that Lance couldn’t remember a kiss that ever made him feel so much. Except for, of course, their first kiss. The memories made him tingle, and he kissed Keith harder as he replayed them in his mind. They kissed so much it was hard to breath, impossible to think, yet so easy to indulge. Keith’s hands were under Lance’s shirt, and he’s never felt so turned on by the simplest thing.

     Vanessa would always feel up his chest, run her nails down his back, and suck hickeys down his chest. Whatever she made him feel before was a candle in comparison to the fire Keith ignited between them. Pale fingers splayed across Lance’s body, and soft flushed lips made their way down Lance’s neck. He gasped at the sensation of teeth, and almost died of embarrassment when he realized he had popped a boner. Keith kissed under his collarbone after leaving his mark, and pulled back to hover his lips over Lance’s.

“I’m in love with you, Lance…” he whispered.

     Before Lance could properly freak out and go through another crisis, the door opened. His head snapped to the door frame and Hunk stood there staring wide eyed. Lance panicked and scrambled out from underneath Keith and landed on the floor.

“Lance!” They both called in concern.

     Keith got off the bed and crouched to Lance’s side first, closely followed by Hunk, and held him close to his chest. Lance whimpered and buried his face in the material of his shirt as he grabbed his arm for support. He couldn’t deny how much he craved Keith’s presence anymore, and it hurt just to think about ignoring him again. He looked at Hunk with wide wet eyes and pleaded.

“Please…don’t tell anyone at church. No one at all. N-no one can know, okay? Hunk, please…”

 

* * *

 

 

“You asked Hunk to keep your relationship with Keith a secret?” Matt clarified. Lance nodded, clearly uncomfortable with the amount of detail he had shared. “How did Keith feel about that?”

“Well…understandably, he wasn’t too happy about it. He was actually really upset at me when I was like, _literally_  begging Hunk to not say anything. But…God, I’m so lucky to have Hunk. He basically told Keith…everything. He told Keith about how homophobic my parents and the church are. He told Keith about how I’d be shunned from all my church friends and my family. He told him about how hard it was for me to even do this, and…he got it all spot on. I mean, sometimes I’d tell him stuff, but last month he told me that he always knew I loved Keith.”

“Sounds like a really good friend.”  
“I mean…we didn’t even tell Pidge. Literally no one knew except Hunk, and…I kinda liked it.”

“Was it a regular thing then? You and Keith?” Matt asked. Lance hesitated and then nodded.

“It was…it was more than just a regular thing. We were exclusive, and…” he shrugged and blushed. “W-we were really happy…”

“You mentioned earlier that nonmarital sex didn’t bother you as much as homosexuality. Is there a reason for that?” Matt asked. Lance was quiet for a moment, pursing his lips in thought and furrowing his brows.

“I guess…it’s more forgivable? I dunno…I knew a lot of guys at church who did it, and they usually said that they couldn’t help it. So many hormones, and their girlfriends were practically begging for it…I dunno. I didn’t really do it with a girl, but I kinda wanted to. Just because…it felt like it was acceptably unacceptable,” he explained.

“Acceptably unacceptable,” Matt repeated and smiled. “I like that.” Lance chuckled.

“Yeah, but…being gay…I felt like everyone thought it was a choice. Because I do like girls. They’re soft, and sweet, and I’m…y’know, attracted to them. So, it kinda just felt like I should’ve just kept saying no the side of myself that liked Keith more,” he said.

“It’s not a choice, though. Are you aware of that?” Matt asked. Lance laughed a little cynically and shrugged, shaking his head.

“I mean…if I didn’t kiss him, I’d probably have a solid girlfriend by now. Maybe planning a proposal. I dunno.”

“Do you think you could stop your feelings for him?” Matt questioned. Lance shrugged again.

“Maybe.”

“Then do it,” Matt said. Lance blinked at him.

“What?”

“Drop all your feelings for Keith now. If it’s a choice, then you could easily send him a text saying it’s all over, delete his number, and cut him out of your life completely,” Matt replied. Lance looked at Matt with wide eyes. Just the idea…filled him with terror.

“I…”

“Well? Does it feel like a choice?” Matt asked.

“W-Well-“

“My point is that you’re in complete control of your actions, but no one is in control of their feelings,” Matt explained. Lance tried to blink away the wetness gathering in his eyes, but that only made them fall. He wiped them away and sniffled. “Why are you crying?”

“I…I-I dunno.”

“Don’t know? Or don’t want to admit?” Matt challenged. More tears fell.

“I don’t wanna leave him,” Lance whimpered. Matt nodded.

“Why do you think you don’t wanna leave him?”

“Because I love him…b-because…he’s just always been there, and…h-he bought me ice cream last night, and he remembered my favorite flavor all the way from high school,” Lance sobbed.

“Did you wake up one day and decide that you’re going to love Keith?”

“…n-no.”

“Do you think Keith woke up one day and decided to love you?”

“M-Maybe…”

“He didn’t, Lance. He loves you because that’s how he is, and that’s okay. It’s okay for you to love him because that’s the way _you are_ ,” Matt said. Lance bit his lip.

“I don’t know what to think…” he confessed. Matt nodded and checked his watch.

“Unfortunately, we’re out of time for today. We’ll continue this tomorrow, but until then…” Matt sighed. “Go easy on yourself, okay?”

“What does that mean?” Lance asked.

“Your position is not as uncommon as you think it is. I’ve spoken with plenty of men and women who grew up in a church struggling to accept themselves as they are because of their scripture.”

“Oh…Okay. Thanks, that’s good to know,” Lance nodded.

“The reality is, Lance, that I could sit here all day and tell you that it’s perfectly normal for you to have these feelings, but it’ll do nothing for you until you can tell yourself that it’s perfectly normal,” Matt said and then smiled. Lance smiled back.

“I guess that kinda makes sense, doc.”


	5. All of me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith gently pushed Lance’s robe over his shoulders, and when he stopped to take in his beautiful skin, Lance knew that this was the right decision. He knew that no matter what he did, he’d always end up like this with this boy feeling the same thing over and over again…and it felt great.
> 
> -
> 
> Lance feels guilty

“Feels like I’m dreaming,” Lance murmured. He ran his fingers through Keith’s hair as he held his love tightly. Keith looked up at him and smiled.

“How come?” He asked. Lance moved his hand to caress his thumb over Keith’s cheek.

“I don’t feel nervous about my parents coming in,” he replied. Keith tilted his head.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah…this was a really good idea.”

     Lance’s smile widened as he looked down at the beautiful boy laying on top of him. Keith turned his body and pushed himself up. Lance let his head gently fall back onto the soft grass, and blinked up as Keith caged his head with his hands. Keith moved his head to tilt the opposite way, and Lance’s eyes were drawn to the smirk playing on his lips.

“I’ll admit…keeping this secret has its perks,” Keith sighed. Lance chuckled.

“Yeah…”

“I still wish we didn’t have to,” he murmured and looked away. His smile was gone as he pulled one hand away and sat up. Lance frowned and sat up with him.

“Keith…”

“Sorry, it’s just…” Keith shook his head. “You’re really great, and…you make me so happy. I can’t tell anyone about it, and Alex is being stupid and flaunting his new boyfriend as if _I_  didn’t teach him how to be a stupid show off,” he grumbled. Lance smiled a little. It was still cute whenever Keith got mad. He still wrinkled his nose, and Lance adored it.

“I’m sorry. He‘s a dick.”

“Yeah, I know. He keeps acting like he’s found his match, and it’s super fucking cheesy and gross. It really sucks because…” Keith bit his lip and drew his knees to his chest. Lance leaned closer and hooked his chin over Keith’s shoulder. “Because…I…I really think we have something amazing, and…it’s ten times better than his cliché gay high school romance,” he murmured shyly. Lance smiled and moved in front of Keith to see him better. He pulled a piece of his hair behind his ear, and cupped his face. Keith looked up at him.

“Well, for one, it’s a thousand times better than his cliché gay high school romance,” he said. Keith breathed a laugh and looked away. “And two…he doesn’t deserve to know, okay? Why would we let him know? For some petty revenge?”

“Yes,” Keith muttered. Lance laughed and shook his head.

“Forget about Alex. He’s not important,” Lance said. He took Keith’s hand in his and looked down as their thumbs caressed each other. “ _You’re_ important…you’re the most important thing to me,” he whispered. Keith blinked and then smiled.

“You’re the most important thing to me, too,” Keith said softly. Lance met his eyes and smiled.

“Yeah…”

 

* * *

 

 

     Lance woke up already crying. His emotions had been running rampant ever since he got back from the hospital. Without the supportive staff by his side 24/7, everything suddenly felt…lonely. He sat up in his bed as he blinked away his tears as he replayed his dream over and over. Without much thought, he grabbed his phone and dialed Keith’s number. It rang twice, and to Lance’s surprise he actually picked up.

“Shit…hello? Lance?” Keith’s voice sounded rough and ragged. It was exactly how Lance remembered his I-just-woke-up voice.

“Hey…sorry to bother you-“

“No, no…it’s fine. I just…shit, what time is it?” He asked.

“I dunno…I just woke up, and my first thought was to call you,” Lance said honestly. Keith was quiet for a moment.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah…I…I had a dream-well…more like a memory in my dreams…um…”

“Do you want me to come over there?” Keith asked.

“Yes,” Lance answered too quickly for his groggy mind to properly process. He didn’t even ask if it was an inconvenience, but…Keith didn’t seem to care.

“I’m on my way,” he said.

“O-oh, Okay,” Lance stuttered.

“Was it a good dream?” He asked. Lance hesitated and then chuckled a little.

“I…I mean, yeah, but…I woke up crying for some reason-“

“Now I’m definitely on my way,” Keith said along with the sound of shuffling and fabric moving against fabric.

“I-I’m fine though. You don’t need to worry-“

“I’ll see you in a second,” Keith said before hanging up.

     Lance sighed and sat with his phone at his ear for a second. Then he pulled it away to check the time and groaned as he read it. Three sixteen am…perfect way to start his day.

     Keith was at his dorm within fifteen minutes. He showed up in his raincoat and boots, and Lance blinked at the soaking wet boy in front of him in shock.

“Is it raining outside?” He asked. Keith shrugged.

“Just a light drizzle,” he replied with a fond smile. Lance smiled back and stepped aside to let him in. “Thanks.”

     He took off his raincoat and boots, and Lance immediately offered him something to drink. Keith asked for some tea, and Lance turned on his electric kettle. He opened his cupboard and reached up to grab his tea bags and a couple mugs. There was a comfortable tension in the air. Like they were comfortable with each other, but there was still something off about them being in the same room. The last time Keith was over, the tension was relieved through ice cream and cuddling. Now Lance felt like he needed to say something.

“So…uh…” Keith cleared his throat awkwardly. “How have you been?” He asked. Lance glanced over at him as he set down the mugs.

“I’ve been good…seeing Matt everyday. My professors have excused me of my assignments for a few weeks, so…I’ve been ditching on and off,” He said. Keith nodded.

“That’s understandable. I’m surprised you’re even attempting to go to a few,” Keith said. Lance shrugged.

“It’s expensive, so…I wanna make sure I’m trying as hard as I can.”

“Yeah, look at this fucking place,” Keith muttered looking around.

“It’s basically your own apartment, Jesus Christ.” Lance chuckled.

“The only reason I’ve got this dorm is because my scholarships pay for it. The minute they read that I was a youth group leader, they instantly shovel money on me.”

“Yeah? You’re majoring in like education, right?” Keith asked. Lance nodded.

“Yeah…don’t tell my dad, but…I kinda wanna be a science teacher,” Lance confessed.

“Yeah, that would make your dad pissed,” Keith agreed. They both laughed, and then the kettle clicked off. Lance cleared his throat and poured the hot water into their mugs with the tea bags.

“Honey?” He asked. Keith nodded, watching him with a glimmer in his eyes and a soft smile.

“Yeah. Sure.”

“Okay…” he grabbed the honey from his counter and squeezed it in.

     Once they had their tea ready Lance could only watch Keith sipping his tea. He was still in his pajama bottoms, but his shirt was clean and wrinkled. As if he grabbed it from his dresser and just left. Rain drops stained the front of his flannel pants, and Lance could only imagine how red his skin was from the could underneath. He bit his lip and set his tea down before wrapping his arms around himself.

“I-“

“Y’kno-“

     They stared at each other and then giggled a little. Both their faces going red as they tried to speak at the same time.

“I’m sorry-“

“No, no, you-“ they laughed again. “You go first,” Keith insisted.

“Okay…” Lance sighed and fiddled with his hands. “I…Alex was an idiot,” he said. Keith frowned.

“Alex? You mean my ex from junior year?” He asked. Lance laughed nervously and nodded.

“Yeah. That asshole.” Keith chuckled.

“Yeah, he really was.”

“Sorry, uh…what I’m trying to say is…” Lance rubbed his shoulders in attempt to comfort himself. “I wish I would’ve let you rub it in his face…i-it would’ve been really fun, but…I let myself ruin that.”

“What? Lance, you didn’t ruin anything,” Keith assured him and stepped closer. Lance looked up at him and furrowed his brows.

“It was obviously really bothering you, though. I…I shouldn’t have hidden you…hidden _us_ …”

“Lance, it’s whatever. You hid us for a very good reason. Hunk told me everything, and I understood what I was getting myself into,” Keith reminded him. Lance sighed.

“When did…w-when did you fall in love with me? Like…how did you know?” Lance asked. Keith thought for a moment before wrapping Lance in a tight hug.

“I felt it before I could even put words to it, really…” Lance hesitatingly embraced Keith and rested his head on his shoulder.

“We were playing some kinda stupid game you made up. You always had the dumbest games,” he said chuckling. Lance pinched his side, and Keith laughed a little louder.

“I had the best games, and you know it,” he grumbled. Keith nodded and ran his fingers down Lance’s back.

“Yeah, you did,” he agreed. “This one game though, we were space pirates. I remember, you took me by the hand and you said to me ‘Keith, I trust you with my ship, and I love my ship more than life itself’. In that moment…I kinda just…loved you, and I didn’t want it to stop. No one really said it was wrong, and I’d tell my parents everyday when we got home from church that I loved you…” Lance was silent for a moment as Keith continued his fingers up to where Lance’s robe met his skin. Lithe fingers massaged the back of his neck, and he felt his body relax against Keith.

“That’s…kinda stupid,” Lance hummed. Keith chuckled, and Lance held him tightly in response.

“We were both kinda stupid,” Keith whispered. Lance mimicked Keith’s fingers, but his hands had made their way under Keith’s shirt instead.

“I’m sorry,” Lance sighed.

“About what?” Keith asked.

“You know what,” Lance replied. Keith was quiet for a moment.

“You have nothing to be sorry for.”

“But I-“

“You,” Suddenly, Keith had Lance backed up against his counter. “Have nothing to be sorry for,” he repeated. 

     Lance sighed and nuzzled against his neck. Keith then reached down, and lifted Lance onto the counter. Cinnamon thighs peaked out from Lance’s robe, and latched onto Keith’s hips. The position felt so familiar, yet so foreign. It brought back memories from their first year of college, and Lance couldn’t help but feel hot under his blue bathrobe. Keith looked up at him with unwavering eyes, and placed his cream colored fingers on Lance’s chest. The glimmering necklace rising and falling with his lungs.

“I miss you,” Keith said. Lance blinked and then wrapped his arms around Keith’s neck.

“You have me,” Lance said.

“Do I?” Keith asked. “You know I’m always here for you, but…” he looked down at where their skin touched. “But if you’re gonna hide this from everyone again…you should really say something else,” he said. Lance leaned closer and moved his hands to cup Keith’s face.

“You have me…all of me. I promise you this time. My family won’t know at the _most_ ,” he promised. Keith blinked up at him.

“You…”

“We can even call Alex and tell him we’re official,” Lance said with a smile. Keith let out an incredulous laugh, and smiled wider than he’s ever smiled before.

“You…y-you really…we can…we’re…” He was clearly at a loss for words, and all Lance could do was nod.

“Yeah…I…I’m still working through some stuff, but…” Lance sighed. “I wanna make this work.” Keith nodded, and leaned in to kiss Lance on the lips.

“I love you. So much, Lance,” he said. Lance giggled and kissed him back.

“I love you too,” he whispered back. Keith felt his eyes sting, and he ignored in favor of kissing down Lance’s neck. “Ah…Keith.”

“Love you…more than anything,” Keith rasped and held Lance closer by his waist.

     Lance let his eyes roll back as Keith’s mouth traced old patterns into his skin. Tan fingers quickly found their way into thick black locks. His body melted into Keith, and he didn’t even bother to resist the passion he painted over Lance’s chest. Their bodies fitting so perfectly together again, and Lance gasped as their past lined up with their present. Keith gently pushed Lance’s robe over his shoulders, and when he stopped to take in his beautiful skin, Lance knew that this was the right decision. He knew that no matter what he did, he’d always end up like this with this boy feeling the same thing over and over again…and it felt great.

 

* * *

 

 

“So…you look…” Matt paused as he took in Lance’s less than sparkling appearance. His eyes were dark with lack of sleep, and his hair was an absolute mess. Colorful patches covered his neck, and lead down his chest from the way it disappeared under his collar. Despite his ragged appearance, Lance looked the happiest Matt had ever seen him. “…positively glowing.”

“Thanks,” Lance mumbled tiredly and yawned. “Sorry, I…couldn’t sleep.”

“I wonder why,” Matt muttered. Lance chuckled a little. “So. Who’s the culprit?” He asked, pointing his pen to the marks on Lance’s neck. Lance scratched the back of his neck.

“Would you be surprised if I said Keith?” He asked.

“I’d be surprised if you said literally any other name instead,” Matt said. “So I take it this is how you go easy on yourself?”

“No, I uh…probably should’ve gone easier.” They both laughed. “I uh…I actually had a dream about Keith,” he confessed.

“What was it about?”

“It was more like a memory…it was like the middle of senior year and we told our parents we were going to a school football game. We did, but uh…we left after ten minutes to sit on the hill behind the stadiums,” Lance smiled at the memories. “They were special because…well, Keith and I were the only ones who really went up there. It was close enough to walk, but far enough to be out of sight. The grass was always super soft, and…it was always a nice way to get some privacy.”

“Sounds romantic,” Matt said. Lance nodded.

“Very, but uh…in my dream it was one night in particular. One of Keith’s exes was being a dick in class. Like flaunting his new boyfriend and shit, and it really upset Keith because…because to him, what we had was way better than whatever bullshit his ex had.”

“What did you do about it?”

“I…I told him that Alex didn’t deserve to know about us…but I know now if he was a girl, I’d show him off in a heartbeat,” he said.

“But Keith isn’t a girl.”

“No…and it really upset me. I woke up at three, and…” he ran his fingers through his hair. “I called Keith because I just wanted to say sorry for it.”

“And what did he say?”

“He said I have nothing to be sorry for…” Lance sighed.

“It sounds like Keith loves you pretty unconditionally.”

“Yeah…and it's making me feel guilty because of all the nasty shit I did to him,” Lance said bitterly.

“Would you do any of that to him now?” Matt asked him.

“Is this the part where you ask me a bunch of questions, and I prove myself wrong by answering them?” He asked. Matt raised a brow, waiting for his answer. Lance sighed. “No. I wouldn’t.”

“Would you ask Keith to hide your relationship with him now?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because, I…” Lance groaned. “Because I love him.”

“Didn’t you love him back then?”

“Yes, but-“

“But what?”

“But I grew up, okay? I almost killed myself and…a-and…” Lance trailed off as the words he just said hit him. He really didn’t want to come to terms with the fact that he actually almost killed himself.

“Lance.” He looked up at Matt. “Why did you almost try and kill yourself?” Lance shook his head.

“I dunno,” he lied.

“Something tells me that you do,” Matt replied. “I’ve allowed you to distract yourself and tell me your stories, but we seriously need to address this, Lance.”

“Why does it even matter?” Lance snapped.

“Lance-“

“I just-“ he cut himself off with a sigh. “I don’t wanna talk about it yet.”

“We’re on our fifth session. I can’t meet with you tomorrow and Sunday,” Matt told him. Lance bit his lip. “If you can’t tell me today, I’ll have to see you every day next week instead of every other day.”

“It all connects, I swear,” Lance murmured.

“What connects?”

“Everything. All these…stories and memories. They all add up, and I need to tell you all of it for you to understand,” Lance replied. Matt was silent for a moment before nodding.

“Alright. What do you want to tell me today?” He asked. Lance pursed his lips in thought as he let his mind delve deep in his memories.

“Well…I wanna tell you about how shitty of a boyfriend I was to Keith.”

 

* * *

 

 

     Lance never told Keith that he loved him. Keith would sometimes murmur it against his lips in the midst of their more passionate make outs, but he’d never expect it back. Being the son of a preacher, Lance was very traditional. He’d sometimes have days where he’d avoid Keith and wallow in his guilt. Those were days that Keith learned it was best to leave Lance alone. Because time and time again, Lance would always come back to him. It could be days, weeks, or a month, but Lance would always come back. Sometimes in tears, and other times with hunger.

     At that age, Keith was uncharacteristically patient with Lance. Call it true love, or stupidity, but Keith couldn’t help but feel like there would be a day when Lance would be okay with himself and let himself be with Keith without any guilt. Maybe it was a little too optimistic for a high schooler, but Keith couldn’t deny that Lance made him happy. No matter how many nights Keith spent crying on his bed, waiting for Lance to call him, he had ten times more nights spent happy and laughing in the arms of a boy he loved more than life itself. 

     Lance made him feel complete. Lance made him feel happy. He told Lance all about this one day when he had one too many beers at a party.

“I always knew you’d be with me,” He slurred drunkenly. His fingers pushing Lance’s hair up. Lance chuckled and cradled his boyfriend tighter.

“We’re both drunk, but you’re definitely drunker,” Lance said. A giggle bubbled from Keith’s mouth and he nuzzled against Lance’s stomach.

“You kissed me…and…I thought to myself…’m gonna marry him,” Keith said. Lance felt his heart stutter as he watched Keith’s body wiggle against him. “I love you…” he hummed as he stretched.

“You’re cute,” Lance smiled.

“You love me too…you’ll say it,” he poked Lance’s nose. “One day.”

“You know I think you’re great,” Lance replied and pulled his face away from Keith’s heavy hand.

“Mm-hmm,” Keith hummed. His head flopped down. “I wanna sex.” Lance blushed.

“Not…not now…” Lance said. Keith pushed himself up so he was sitting in Lance’s lap.

“Why not? You always get a boner when we kiss,” he whined. Lance had quickly learned that at a certain point of alcohol consumption, Keith was a _whiner_.

“You’re drunk, Keith,” Lance pointed out now turning red. Keith groaned and hung off Lance’s neck.

“Stupid alcohol…I want you,” he grumbled and then started kissing Lance’s neck.

“Keith-“

“C’mon, baby,” Keith rasped under his ear. Lance gently pushed him back.

“Keith, I’m not gonna let our first sexual experience be while we’re drunk,” Lance said. Keith blinked and his face melted into a smile.

“So…you do care?” He asked. Lance looked away blushing furiously.

“You know I do.”

“…yeah…”

“You…y-you know I’ll always care.” Keith nodded.

“Yeah.”

“You know that I’ll always want to be with you, so…don’t act surprised,” he mumbled. Keith nodded smiling big.

“I wanna be with you too. Always,” Keith murmured and leaned against Lance’s neck. Lance couldn’t help but smile.

“I know.”


	6. The weekend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Wow…” Keith murmured.
> 
> “They don't hurt anymore. They hurt in the hospital, and after they bandaged it all up, it was just sore for a week,” Lance told him.
> 
> “Did…did I do this?” He asked. His voice was weak. As if he was about to break.
> 
> “I don’t hate it,” Lance said. Keith finally looked back up at him. 
> 
> “Did I do this?” He repeated more sternly.
> 
> “I mean, yeah, but it’s okay-“
> 
> “I hurt you…”
> 
> -
> 
> Lance has a weekend away from therapy and decides to spend it with Keith.

Keith: what are you up to?

 

     Lance looked down at his phone and smiled. He was making his coffee for the day, and was relieved to finally have a break from the constant talking. As much as he likes to talk about himself, in the context of therapy, it was a lot less fun. Even though he knew Matt was just trying to help, Lance couldn’t help but associate him with his painful past.

 

Lance: nothing rn

Lance: drinking coffee

Lance: hbu?

Keith: what a coincidence. I’m also doing nothing

 

     A grin spread across Lance’s face and he made his way back to his bedroom. Despite having a nice dorm, it really only consisted of a bathroom, a bedroom, and a pretty small kitchen. He crawled into his bed, and curled up in his blanket with his mug.

 

Lance: perhaps we should do nothing together

Keith: I’m literally already in my car on the way to your campus

Lance: perfect

 

     There were perks to having Keith close by. He actually still lived at home with his parents, and Lance’s campus was right between Keith’s house and his campus. No matter which place he was at, he was always a 10-15 minute drive away. He was usually at school, but they both didn’t have any weekend classes.

     When he knocked on Lance’s door, happiness instantly filled him. He got up and set his mug down so he could greet Keith was a kiss. Except when he opened the door, all he could do was smile at the man before him. Keith smirked with a flower in his hand. He twirled it nervously between his fingers, and licked his lips. Lance leaned against his door frame and crossed his arms.

“What’s that?” He asked knowingly. Keith’s smile widened at the sound of Lance’s flirty voice, and the sight of his long lanky body in nothing but boxers and a teeshirt. His marks from their previous encounter peeked from behind his collar, and Keith stepped closer.

“I saw this outside, and it reminded me of you,” he replied, knowing that sappy shit like this always made Lance weak. The tan man took the flower from Keith’s pale fingers and looked down coyly.

“Oh? How come?” He questioned. Keith let his fingers touch Lance’s.

“Well, it was in the middle of the sidewalk, and it kinda reminded me of you hungover that one time-“ Lance playfully smacked his shoulder and shook his head trying not to laugh. Keith went ahead and did laugh as Lance blushed.

“You’re an ass,” Lance said turning into his dorm. Keith followed and shut the door behind him.

“Do you have therapy today?” Keith asked. Lance stopped at his counter and picked up his mug to sip.

“No. Matt is off today and tomorrow,” he said. Warm arms slowly wrapped around Lance’s waist, and Lance put his mug back down. His body warmed up and he lovingly rubbed Keith’s skin. Lips pressed against his nape, and he hummed contently.

“Wanna go out and do something?” Keith suggested. Lance hesitated for a moment before nodding.

“Yeah…Yeah, sure. What did you have in mind?” He responded.

“Maybe just a walk. It’s very nice outside. Very springy,” he said with a smile. Lance smiled as well and nodded.

“Sounds good. Now let go of me so I can put on pants.”

 

* * *

 

 

     Keith was right. It was very nice outside, and it was very much like spring. At first, walking down the halls was a little awkward. Lance let his arms hang uselessly by his sides even though he longed to hold the hand next to him. Keith’s pale fingers brushed against Lance’s, and Lance realized they’ve never really held hands while they walked somewhere. Since forever, Lance was too paranoid to do it. The fear of someone seeing it and telling his parents, or worse, his parents actually seeing it. He was in constant fear of his parents, and he was frankly sick of it.

     Without a second thought, Lance reached out for Keith’s hand as they stepped outside. His heart raced in his chest when Keith stopped. The sun shone down on them, and it bounced off Keith’s skin radiantly. He looked down at their hands, and then at Lance. Lance was bright red, and couldn’t bring himself to look anywhere except for his shoes. Then Keith smiled and squeezed Lance’s hand affectionately.

“Hey,” he whispered. Lance finally looked at him.

“H-hey,” he stuttered. Keith kissed his cheek and pulled back with a ridiculous grin.

“I love you,” he said. Lance couldn’t stop the smile on his face no matter how hard he bit it. He leaned in and returned the kiss on Keith’s now red cheek.

“I love you too,” he murmured against his face as he pulled away. Keith giggled, hot breath tickling his skin.

“C’mon. Where should we go?”

“Well, there's a frozen yogurt place and an ice cream place both within about the same walking distance. Whatever you want, I guess.”

“Mmm…ice cream,” Keith said.

“Keith, you’re lactose intolerant,” Lance reminded him.

“I think I’m just lactose sensitive,” Keith replied.

“No, _everyone_ is lactose sensitive. You’re literally lactose intolerant. We’re getting froyo, and you’re getting the dairy free option,” Lance said. Keith rolled his eyes.

“It’s not that bad if I have milk, okay-“

“I’m not gonna let you have explosive diarrhea in my bathroom just because you want some shitty ice cream,” Lance told him. Keith laughed as Lance tugged him in the direction of the frozen yogurt shop.

“That’s gross,” Keith chuckled.

“You’re gross.”

     They walked down to the frozen yogurt shop and got their food. It was odd, at first. Lance’s first reaction was to retract his hand, but he quickly stopped himself and nervously kept their fingers interlocked. There were a couple other people in the shop, but they didn’t stare like Lance thought they would. The cashier didn’t ever look uncomfortable, or like he would try and throw them out.

     Keith let go of Lance’s hand on his own accord to grab a bowl. He instantly missed the weight of Keith’s hand, yet couldn’t help but watch as he went along picking out which flavor he wanted. Lance took a stuttering breath as he took a moment to just…appreciate Keith’s existence. He took a bowl and gently rubbed the scars that were still up his forearm. They were starting to turn a pinkish red, and felt slightly smoother under Lance’s fingers. They still protruded from his skin, but at least the pain was gone.

     They sat down outside of the shop, and ate their frozen treats. Keith grumbled about his dairy free option for a moment before he reached out and held Lance’s hand as they ate. A smile spread across Lance’s face as Keith’s fingers rubbed against his skin. He looked up at him, and found his navy eyes fixated on his arm. Lance felt sad, and as Keith reached a little further to touch the scars, he wanted to cry.

“Wow…” Keith murmured.

“They don't hurt anymore. They hurt in the hospital, and after they bandaged it all up, it was just sore for a week,” Lance told him.

“Did…did I do this?” He asked. His voice was weak. As if he was about to break.

“I don’t hate it,” Lance said. Keith finally looked back up at him. 

“Did I do this?” He repeated more sternly.

“I mean, yeah, but it’s okay-“

“I hurt you…” Keith murmured and looked down at his other arm with matching streaks.

“Keith, you _had_  to. I didn’t give you a choice,” Lance replied squeezing his hand. Keith sighed. “I actually kind of like them,” he said. Keith chuckled cynically.

“Why?” He asked.

“It reminds me of you. It reminds me that…no matter what I’m going through or doing…this is how hard you would fight for me,” Lance said. Keith looked up at him.

“I didn’t mean to scratch so deep…I just…I can’t lose you, Lance,” Keith said. Lance nodded.

“I understand…I shouldn’t have done it.”

“Why did you?” Keith asked. Lance was silent. “It feels like everyone knows what you did, but know one knows _why_ you did it.”

“I…it was a number of things…but I dunno if I wanna…”

“Lance, I just wanna know why. I’m like terrified you might try and do it again, and I have no clue why you did it the first time. I-If it was something I did-“

“Keith, _no_ ,” Lance said sternly. “You did _nothing_ wrong,” he said looking Keith in the eyes. Keith sighed.

“I just wish I understood what happened to make you wanna do that…you’ve…you’ve always just _loved_  life. You preached it, and believed in it,” Keith said. Lance got up and moved his chair so he could sit closer to Keith. He hugged him and held him close against his chest, and Keith hugged him back.

“I made the wrong choice. It’s…it’s no one’s fault in particular, but…” Lance sighed. “I just don’t like to think about it. Matt hasn’t even gotten it out of me and he’s my shrink,” he chuckled. Keith laughed a little and nodded.

“I’m just glad you’re alive,” he murmured. Lance ran his fingers through Keith’s hair.

“I’m alive because of you…never forget that,” Lance said. Keith pulled back to smile up at Lance.

“Yeah…and I’ll make sure you stay alive as long as I can.” Lance grinned and leaned down to kiss him on the lips.

“I love you…”

“I love you too, Lance.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Lance. This is your mother calling. Please call me back as soon as you can. We’re worried about you. I love you, mijo.”

 

_Click_.

 

“Message deleted…you have 4 unread messages.”

“Lance, please. We’d like to talk to you about the restraining order. Call me back soon. I love you.”

 

_Click_.

 

“Message deleted…you have 3 unread messages.”

“Mijo…your father is very upset. You’ve been ignoring our calls and our messages and we’re worried about you. I love you…stay safe…”

“What’s up?” Keith murmured as he wrapped his arms around Lance’s waist. He kissed his nape as Lance pulled his phone away from his ear.

“Just going through my messages…my mom has been calling me nonstop,” he said and then started to type a message to his mother.

“Maybe you should call her back,” Keith suggested. Lance sighed.

“I would, but…everything is so overwhelming. I can barely handle having these talks with you and Matt. I just need some time before I talk to my parents,” Lance explained.

“She might call the police though,” Keith pointed out. Lance paused his thumbs.

“Why?” He asked.

“Because you tried to drown yourself, Lance,” Keith replied bluntly. Lance sighed and leaned his head back on Keith’s shoulder.

“I can’t argue with that,” he murmured and then continued his message.

“What are you gonna say?” He asked peeking over his shoulder.

“I’ve been busy with my therapist. Sorry I haven’t replied. I love you too. Yada yada yada,” he paraphrased. Keith nodded.

“I mean you’re not wrong.” Lance sent the text and then turned around to face Keith.

“Busy with therapy, and…other things,” he smiled as he leaned in and kissed Keith.

“Mm…I’ll admit…” Keith kissed Lance back. “I haven’t seen you like this…ever, I think.”

“Elaborate,” Lance hummed and wrapped his arms around Keith’s neck.

“I think you know what I’m talking about,” Keith said as he lifted Lance onto the counter. Lance grinned as Keith wedged his way between caramel thighs.

“Maybe I wanna hear you say it,” he whispered. Keith smirked and held Lance closer by his waist. Pale fingers digging under his teeshirt, and his heart racing with excitement.

“Almost desperate for it. It took me like two years to help make you feel comfortable enough to have sex, but…holy shit you’ve never wanted to fuck _this_  often,” Keith noticed. Lance giggled and ran his fingers through Keith’s hair.

“I was kinda holding back, to be honest…and now I wanna give you all of me, and I’ve been only giving you parts of me for so long,” he confessed. Keith nuzzled against his neck and started kissing down the tan column of skin. Lance tilted his head back and let out a content sigh.

“Never knew you could be so sexy,” Keith rasped against his collarbones. Lance gasped when he was pushed against Keith’s body, and then teeth nipped his skin.

“Fuck…” Lance breathed. Keith continued his mouth as he reached down and grabbed at Lance’s ass. He moaned. “ _Keith_ …”

     He kissed down Lance’s chest, his mouth passing a piece of cold metal as he went down. The gold caught his eye when he pulled back, but he ignored the cross around Lance’s neck. He stripped his lover of his shirt, and resumed his mouth against skin instead of cotton. The jewelry that was ever present around Lance’s neck didn’t make him feel guilty in the past. He would kiss and hold and cuddle Lance all night long. But now…it kinda felt like it was watching him, or…judging him.


	7. Faith

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “If you won’t say yes at least give me a nod. Something,” Keith begged. Lance nodded, hiding his face in Keith’s neck out of shame and shyness. Keith sighed. “I love you, Lance…so much…”
> 
> “Keith…”
> 
> “So much…”
> 
> -
> 
> Lance shares his memories of starting college with Keith, and questions his faith.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I’m not trying to bash religion perse, I’m just trying to make a comment on how it affects people. I don’t think you need to give up religion to be happy, and I recognize I didn’t really portray that properly.

“Well. You look very happy,” Matt said with a smile. Lance blushed and rubbed the back of his neck. He shrugged with a dopey smile.

“I…had a very satisfying weekend,” he said.

“I’m glad to hear that. Anything interesting you wanna talk about?” He asked.

“Yeah, actually…I held hands with Keith…like, in public,” Lance told him. Matt nodded.

“That’s wonderful. How did it make you feel?”

“Good. Like, really _really_ good. We got frozen yogurt, and held hands again, and I even kissed him.”

“I’m very happy for you Lance.”

“Yeah…”

“And you never did any of this in public before because of your parents?” Matt asked. Lance’s smile dropped a little and he looked down.

“Yeah, mostly, but…my parents aren’t around because I’m living on campus with a bunch of strangers. My excuse in high school was that a couple kids from church went to school with us. They could’ve totally blabbed on us, but…I don’t even go to a Christian college. There’s actually a few same sex couples that walk around on campus,” Lance replied.

“Well, if it’s not your parents, what do you think is holding you back in college?” Matt questioned. Lance furrowed his brows as he thought back to his first year of college. He reached up and held the gold cross between his fingers. He had forgotten about it until now.

“I guess…my religion.”

 

* * *

 

 

     It was hard for Lance to decide whether or not he’d move into a dorm or stay at home. On one hand, it was cheaper to stay home despite the slightly long drive to his campus. On the other hand…Keith pointed out many pros to it as well. One of them being the fact that they’d be closer, and that they could actually hang out without Lance’s parents wondering where he is. While those alone were really good reasons to live on campus, doing it purely to mess around with Keith kinda felt wrong, no matter how much he wanted to. So he searched for any other reason to do it, and sure enough he found it.

     Throughout his years in high school, Lance had collected an impressive amount of scholarships. It wouldn’t pay for his entire college, but it was enough that taking on dorm fees wouldn’t really hurt. It was a shitty reason, to be completely honest, but Lance clung to it when he made his final decision. His family helped him move into his dorm, and he said goodbye to them once he was settled in. His mom shed a couple tears, and a few of his younger siblings were sad once they realized Lance wouldn’t be at home anymore. They left after many hugs and kisses, and then Lance was alone in his dorm.

     Of all the things Lance hated, being alone was at the top of the list. Usually whenever he was left to his own devices, old bible verses would start popping up, and he was getting tired of the guilt it caused him. He wanted more than anything to just exist and love Keith as much as he did, but every time he thought about expressing his truest feelings, he felt like he couldn’t. Words like “abomination” and “sinner” and “heathen” filled his mind instead, and he let out a shaky breath. Barely ten minutes into his damning thoughts, there was a knock on his door.

“Keith,” Lance smiled with relief when he answered his door. He held up a tub of ice cream and a bottle of wine.

“Up for some celebrating?” He asked with a smirk. Lance giggled and crossed his arms.

“I don’t have any wine glasses or bowls,” he said.

“Who needs them? I brought a spoon,” Keith replied simply. Lance laughed again and nodded, stepping aside to let Keith in.

“Alright, you can come in,” he allowed. Keith stepped inside, and immediately gave Lance a kiss on the lips. He squeaked and scrambled to close the door.

“Warn me maybe,” Lance said. Keith rolled his eyes and walked over to the counter.

“You’re a free man, Lance,” he looked through his drawers until he found a corkscrew. “You don’t need to worry about people seeing us,” he smiled. Lance blushed and watched Keith set down the ice cream and wine. It was his favorite flavor. Cookies and cream.

“I-I dunno, man. Maybe we should stay private for a while,” Lance said. Keith frowned as he pulled off the cork.

“What for? Your parents are away, and none of your church friends are here,” Keith pointed out. Lance nodded.

“Yeah…I know, it’s just…” he reached up and played with his necklace. “I’m having troubles…”

     That was Lance’s way of saying he felt bad. Usually it meant he still felt bad about them, his sexuality, and the fact that he’s obviously not straight. 

     Keith knew this wouldn’t be easy. Being in a relationship with a man who won’t accept he loves men gets kinda tricky. Keith didn’t really struggle the way Lance did, but he wasn’t as involved with the church as Lance. He was having troubles himself understanding what was so hard for Lance to accept, but he tried to stay patient because he loved Lance. 

     Keith set down the wine and corkscrew to walk over to Lance. He was still against the door, and looked up as Keith gently touched his shoulders.

“Hey…” he said softly. Lance blinked at him and furrowed his brows. “It’s okay. We can go slow if you want, but…you know I don’t like keeping this a secret,” Keith replied. Lance nodded.

“I know…”

“But I love you,” Keith reminded him and pressed their foreheads together. “I’d do anything for you. Whatever makes you uncomfortable, I’m here for you to talk it out with.”

“Yeah…thank you,” Lance sighed instead of saying “I love you too”.

“I know you love me too, Lance. You’re really bad at hiding it,” Keith teased with a smile. Lance giggled a little and dropped his necklace.

“Get out of my head, dumbass,” Lance said and reached up to cup Keith’s face. They kissed and Keith smiled.

“What? Have you been thinking about me?” He asked. It was a curious question, not a teasing one.

“You know I’m always thinking about you," Lance smiled back. Keith let his eyes flicker across Lance’s face.

“Well I don’t want you to stop,” Keith said. Lance rolled his eyes and lightly slapped his shoulder before walking over to the ice cream and wine.

     Half a bottle later, Lance was hogging the ice cream insisting that Keith couldn’t even eat it. Keith managed to sneak a couple bites, but eventually let Lance keep the tub and settled for the wine. They laughed on his kitchen floor, and talked about the lack of a living room in his dorm. Keith couldn’t stop smiling down at his boyfriend, and appreciated the bubbly grin on his face. Blue eyes met his hazy navy ones, and Lance gave him a warm smile. Keith trailed his fingers down Lance’s arm and stopped to rub his thumb against his bicep.

“Can I at least tell people I have a boyfriend now?” Keith murmured. Lance’s smile faltered for a moment before it returned.

“Only if I can say I have a girlfriend,” he replied, his voice teasing and playful. Keith frowned, and Lance was quiet when he realized that hurt him.

“I…I’d rather you just say you’re not seeing anyone,” Keith confessed. Lance frowned as well.

“I’m sorry…geez, that was…” he sat up and moved closer to Keith. “That was shitty. I’m so sorry, Keith. Please…I-I didn’t mean-“

“Its okay. I understand,” Keith nodded with a smile. He rubbed Lance’s shoulders.

“So…you’re gonna stay?”

“I wasn’t really planning on leaving.”

“Oh…Sorry, I…thought you were saying that you wanted to leave,” Lance was avoiding the words “break up”. Keith furrowed his brows.

“Leave?”

“When you said…I should just say I’m single?”

“Oh, Lance, no. I was just saying, y’know…” Keith sighed. “I was just saying keep telling people that. You don’t need to pretend you have a girlfriend.” Lance looked relieved to hear that, and it made Keith’s heart melt.

“Okay…Yeah, I understand that,” he nodded. 

     Keith bit his lip and pulled Lance into a hug. No matter how upset Keith was about Lance not telling anyone, he couldn’t help but love him more with every second they spent together. Keith wanted more than anything for Lance to just accept their relationship and be out with him. While that constantly disappointed him when Lance said no, he always made up for it with his love. Even though he never said it, Keith knew he did. It was in his words, his voice, his eyes, his hands, and his _everything_. Keith loved him back just as much. No more and no less, Keith loved him.

“I…I don’t think I ever want to leave you. You’re…” Keith sighed and nuzzled against his neck. “You’re just…so great, Lance,” he murmured. Lance rubbed his back, and then dug his fingers in his hair.

“You’re pretty fantastic yourself, dummy,” Lance said fondly. 

     Keith pulled back to kiss Lance on the lips. His chest heavy and full from the emotions Lance provoked from him. He held Lance’s face so he couldn’t pull away, and coaxed the other man’s tongue into his mouth. 

     Lance was always shy when it came to the physical side of their relationship. He spent countless nights tiptoeing around kissing and making out, and put off sex no matter how turned on he was. Keith always managed to push his buttons and try to cross the line. He’d guide Lance out of his comfort zone and introduce him to a world of touch and feeling and emotion. All through out senior year, Lance had to stop himself from trying to get Keith to start kissing him senseless again. He was even struggling to control himself that night with Keith all over him and emotional.

“Lance…please,” Keith breathed as he pulled away to kiss down Lance’s neck.

“Please what?” Lance huffed. His fingers digging into Keith’s shirt.

“Please, I want you…fuck, I’ve wanted you for years now,” Keith rasped. His voice sent shivers down Lance’s spine as he clung to his love.

“I-I…Keith…” he whimpered.

“I won’t even tell anyone I have a boyfriend. I just…mm…please,” he pleaded. 

     Lance let out a shaky moan as Keith leaned into his body. He rested his head against Keith’s shoulder, and barely inched closer. Keith took advantage of his movements, and pulled him into his lap. His creamy pale fingers trailed down Lance’s legs, and his brain almost went crazy at the fact that Lance was actually in his lap breathing hard against his neck. He held him even closer, and Lance wrapped his arms around Keith’s neck.

“If you won’t say yes at least give me a nod. Something,” Keith begged. Lance nodded, hiding his face in Keith’s neck out of shame and shyness. Keith sighed. “I love you, Lance…so much…”

“Keith…”

“So much…”

 

* * *

 

 

     Lance sat in silence once he finished the story. His mind deep in his memories from that night. Matt was watching him as he stared at the floor in thought. The clock ticked, and Lance let out a sad heavy sigh.

“That was…the first time you and Keith had sex,” Matt said. Lance nodded.

“I guess if you wanna call it that. We haven’t…I mean…” he groaned in minor frustration and blushed. “Anyways, I wanted it…like, I really wanted to…t-to do stuff like that with Keith. Ever since we kissed that night in junior year…sometimes it was all I could think about. It…it fucking haunted me,” Lance said.

“How so?” Matt asked.

“Like…y’know…I was a horny teenage boy, and I felt fine when I thought about girls that way for obvious reasons, but fantasizing about it with Keith…it’s a sin. So is masturbating, and…having sex…especially with another man,” Lance replied.

“Okay. It made you feel guilty because you’ve been told that you shouldn’t do it,” Matt rephrased. Lance nodded.

“I had a lot to feel guilty about…and it was getting to me. It’s like when you’re eating chocolate, and you think…a little won’t hurt me, right? Then you eat a little more and a little more, and suddenly it’s not a little chocolate. It’s a lot of chocolate and you have to hide the mess on your face.”

“Except…this isn’t chocolate, Lance,” Matt said. Lance blinked at him.

“I’m aware-“

“No, chocolate _can_  be bad for you,” Matt interrupted. “Having sexual fantasies about your crushes in your teenage years, masturbation, sex…it all occurs naturally no matter who you’re attracted to,” he explained. Lance frowned.

“Oh…”

“A lot of people of faith have problems accepting their sexuality no matter their orientation. Some women suffer and endure sex with their husbands because they were taught that that was what they were meant to do. Religion has a nasty habit of shaming natural urges and making people feel guilty for it,” Matt continued. Lance nodded.

“Yeah…it does…” he agreed.

“Lance…have you been questioning your faith recently?” Matt asked. Lance hesitated, reaching for his golden cross. He let out a shaky breath before giving a slight nod.

“If…if God really exists…and he really intended it to be one man and one woman…why was I made this way?” Lance asked.

“That’s a good question, Lance. Unfortunately, there is no simple answer to it,” Matt said. “But you’re not a mistake. You’re not broken, and you’re not an abomination,” he assured him. Lance sighed.

“Right…because if I am, that means Keith is too, and Keith…” Lance trailed off and smiled. “He’s amazing.”

“I can’t tell you what to believe, Lance. But I _can_ tell you that your feelings are natural, and normal,” Matt said. Lance nodded.

“Yeah…Thanks…”

 

* * *

 

 

“Mijo…”

     Lance fumbled with his keys and turned to see his mother with her arms crossed. His heart started to race and his eyes went wide. She looked sad, and that was worse than mad.

“Mom…I-“

“Why haven’t you called me back? Is a text all you can spare me? Your own mother?” She asked.

“Mom, what are you doing here?” He asked. “Sh-shouldn’t you be at work or something?”

“I took the day off because I’m worried about you,” she said sternly. Now she looked mad. Lance looked down out of guilt.

“I’m sorry, mama. I’ve just had a lot on my plate,” he told her. She stepped closer, and Lance looked back up to see her eyes on his neck.

“Why didn’t you come to church yesterday? The one day we all see you, and all I get is a text about your therapy.”

“It takes a lot out of me, mama. I’m exhausted-“

“Clearly, you have enough energy to spend your time with someone,” she interrupted. Her voice was rough with anger, and Lance covered the side of his neck with his hand.

“Mama-“

“Don’t tell me you’ve been spending time with that…that _boy_ again,” she pleaded. “It’s a disgrace, mijo. Please, just come and let us help you-“

“ _No!_ “ Lance snapped. His mother blinked with wide eyes. His confidence faded as soon as it came, and he felt incredibly sheepish. He cleared his throat and looked away. “I’m…I’m fine,” he said quietly.

“No, you’re _not_ -“

“ _Yes_ , I _am_ ,” Lance insisted sorting out his keys again and unlocking his car.

“Your father and I are worried about you. You’re brothers and sisters weep at night waiting to see you again-“

“I can’t be with you guys right now!” Lance said. He looked back at her with sad eyes. “I’m sorry, but…I-I just _can’t_ , okay? I have a lot to think about.”

“What could you possibly be thinking about?” She asked incredulously.

“ _Things_.”

“I pray that you are not thinking about that vile boy. All he does is lead you into temptation-“

“Temptation for what? Being happy?” Lance asked as he climbed into his car. His mother grabbed at the door before he could close it.

“You don’t mean that,” she said glaring at him. Lance glared back and pushed her fingers off his door.

“He makes me happy, Mom. He’s not tempting me to do anything. I was just made this way,” he announced. 

     His chest felt unstable from how hard his heart was pounding, but he closed the door before his mother could respond. He started the car and pulled out of the parking lot to his therapist’s office. His mother stayed where she was and watched him drive away. It hurt to look back because the first thing Lance noticed were tears streaming down her face.


	8. Perfect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Keith?” He realized that he had been staring.
> 
> “Sorry…” he looked down at their fingers. “I just…could you say that again?” He asked, turning redder. Lance pulled his back from the counter and held Keith’s face. He pressed their foreheads together and smiled.
> 
> “I love you, Keith…”
> 
> -
> 
> Lance freaks out after confronting his mom, and Keith invites him over for dinner with his parents.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not even gonna lie I totally forgot to update yesterday, so sorry this is late. I was driving all over town turning in job applications and resumes but the good news is ya girl is finally employed

     Lance ran into his dorm breathing heavy. His mind was going a hundred miles per hour thinking about how he just confronted his mother. He braced himself on his counter, his heart still pounding and his legs aching from how quickly he marched across his campus. His keys clattered on the hard surface in front of him and a dry sob ripped from his throat.

“Lance?”

     He gasped and jumped when he heard Keith’s voice. Looking up, he saw him staring in the doorframe to his bedroom. His body relaxed at the sight of his love, and he couldn’t stop himself from stumbling towards him.

“Lance, whoa-“ he caught Lance as he rushed forward. “Lance, what happened? Are you okay?”

“I-I told her…I-I told her…” he stammered.

“Told who what? Lance, what’s going on?”

“My mom! I-I told my mom,” Lance said. Keith was silent, his jaw slack with shock. “She f-found me outside of Matt’s office, and…sh-she was so upset with me, I…I-I didn’t want to lie anymore. I d-don’t wanna go back…”

“Lance…”

“I love you,” tears finally rolled down his face as he held Keith around his waist tightly. His legs were so weak, he was on his knees. “I love you so much, a-and I’m tired of this…” fingers ran through his hair. “I don’t wanna go home to them…”

“Its okay, Lance…” Keith murmured.

“I’m so sorry…f-for everything I’ve put you through…all these years you just wanted to love me, and…” his voice hitched as Keith crouched down to be level with Lance. “A-And I was too much of a coward,” he sniffled. Keith cupped his face and wiped away his tears before kissing him hard on the lips. Lance squeezed his eyes shut and accepted his lover’s love.

“You’re not a coward, Lance,” Keith murmured.

“But I-“

“You are _not_ a coward,” he kissed Lance again.

“I was such an ass-“ kiss “-I should’ve-“ kiss “-sh-should’ve-“

“Just calm down,” Keith whispered and calmly continued to kiss him.

     Lance melted under his lips, and held on tight. His fingers gripped the sleeves of Keith’s shirt, and he let Keith turn and lean him against the bottom of the counter. They kissed until they needed to breathe, and even then Keith was kissing at Lance’s neck and gently caressing his jaw. When they continued again, Lance sighed and indulged in the affection Keith showered him with.

“You…” he kissed Lance’s cheek, “…are…” his other cheek, “…okay…” he finished and kissed his forehead. Lance leaned his head back against the counter and sighed.

“You’re too good to me,” he murmured.

“I’m just an idiot in love,” Keith replied with a chuckle. Lance laughed a little too, and their fingers intertwined.

“Make that two idiots in love,” he grinned and looked up at him.

     Keith couldn’t help the blush that invaded his cheeks. It was still hard to calm his heart when Lance told him he loved him. He had gone so long without hearing it from him, and now it was almost every word he uttered to Keith. It made him incredibly happy that he was still around to say it, and the memories from the river made Keith squeeze his hand.

“Keith?” He realized that he had been staring.

“Sorry…” he looked down at their fingers. “I just…could you say that again?” He asked, turning redder. Lance pulled his back from the counter and held Keith’s face. He pressed their foreheads together and smiled.

“I love you, Keith…” he murmured. Keith looked at him biting his lip.

“Can you…a-again?” He murmured shyly. Lance giggled and wrapped his arms around Keith’s neck.

“I love you…I love you so much, Keith,” he whispered. Keith’s breath hitched. “I wish I would’ve told you years ago-“

“No, it’s…I’m just happy I got to hear you say it at all,” Keith murmured. Lance’s smile faltered.

“Keith-“

“Do you wanna come over for dinner?” He asked pulling away. “My parents are ordering Chinese food, and they remembered how much you liked it when you were little. Shiro will be there too…in case you missed him or something,” he continued. Lance’s arms hung loosely over Keith’s shoulders as he took in Keith’s request.

“Dinner? With your family?” He asked. Keith nodded.

“I…I-I get it if it’s too much-“

“No, no!” Lance interrupted grabbing his shoulders. “No, I just…I thought they would’ve been upset with me,” he confessed. Keith’s brows pinched in confusion. He chuckled.

“Why would they be upset with you?” He asked. Lance shrugged.

“I dunno. I’ve kinda felt like a burden my whole life, and I haven’t treated you the best in the past-“

“Enough about the past,” Keith insisted. “You’re getting better, and that’s all I care about,” he assured him. Lance smiled and then nodded.

“Okay. Yeah, I’ll go to dinner with you,” he answered. Keith smiled back.

“Good. Because I don’t think they would’ve let me come home without you.”

“No way!”

“Yes way.”

 

* * *

 

 

     The car ride to Keith’s house was both comforting and nerves wracking. On one hand, all his memories of Keith’s parents were warm and kind. They weren’t his biological parents, but they clearly wanted to have Keith in their home. When they were younger, Lance never made the connection that Keith was adopted, but once they got together in high school, Keith opened up to him a lot. On the other hand, Lance couldn’t really remember the last time he saw Mr. and Mrs. Kogane.

     Keith held his hand during the entire ride. He must’ve sensed Lance’s nerves, because it instantly made him feel better. It was scary watching the oh so familiar house pop up from around the corner, and even scarier when Keith parked the car. He looked at Lance and rubbed his thumb against the back of his hand.

“You good?” He asked. Lance bit his lip and then nodded.

“Yeah, I…I’m fine.”

“Don’t worry about it, okay? I update them about you all the time. They’ve actually wanted to re-meet you for a couple years,” Keith assured him. Lance nodded.

“Did you tell them about…what happened?” He asked. Keith hesitated before nodding.

“It was hard not to…I barely left my room the entire week you were in the hospital,” Keith replied.

“Oh…”

“So uh…they might be a little dramatic when they see you…especially Shiro because he knows you’re talking with Matt,” Keith warned him.

“How does Shiro know Matt?” Lance asked, frowning.

“They went to college together,” Keith answered.

“Huh…small world.”

“It really is. Now let’s go inside. I’m hungry and Mom ordered extra sweet and sour.”

“Dude, no way!”

     Walking up onto Keith’s porch almost made Lance feel like a little kid again. He couldn’t let go of Keith’s hand, and he almost felt a little sick. Then the door opened, and he felt a large wave of nostalgia overwhelm him. The familiar and comforting smell of Keith’s house combined with his father’s aftershave and Chinese food rid Lance of all his previous anxieties and he finally felt safe for the first time in years. He blinked at Keith’s mother and smiled as her eyes nearly popped out of her head.

“My goodness, is that really Lance McClain?” She asked, pulling up her glasses from around her neck and looking closer through her spectacles. He laughed.

“Yeah, its me,” he nodded. She smiled back at him and held her arms out for a hug. He let go of Keith’s hand to embrace her.

“When did you get so tall? You boys were inch for inch when you were little,” she said. “And you’re so skinny! Please tell me you’re feeding yourself,” she pleaded as she pinched Lance’s ribs.

“Ah! Ha-ha, Yeah I’m feeding myself,” he laughed and jerked away from her thin and nimble fingers.

“Well, get in and I’ll feed you. The delivery guy was just here five minutes ago!” She urged.

     They walked into Keith’s house, and Lance smiled at the sight of Keith’s dad and Shiro sitting on their couch. The entire coffee table was covered with take out boxes and trays of food while Shiro and his dad freely ate from the selection with a fork and chopsticks.

“Honey, look at these flimsy chopsticks that boy gave us! So cheap!” Mr. Kogane chortled.

“Lance!” Shiro exclaimed the moment they all walked in.

“Oh, is that really Lance?” Mr. Kogane asked. Shiro stood up and greeted Lance with a classic big brother hug. Lance smiled and reciprocated, but felt his eyes start to sting. Shiro let go and ruffled his head.

“Look at you. You’re almost as tall as me,” he said and set his hands on his hips. Lance laughed and Keith rolled his eyes.

“Okay, he’s not _that_ tall,” Keith said crossing his arms.

“Oh, don’t tell me you’re jealous,” his mother cooed and squeezed his shoulders in a side hug.

“He’s only like an inch taller than me,” Keith replied.

“I’m actually two inches,” Lance replied with a smirk. Keith narrowed his eyes on Lance and pursed his lips.

“Everyone sit down so we can eat. I’ll care about how tall Lance is _after_ we eat,” Mr. Kogane insisted. Mrs. Kogane laughed and walked over to sit next to her husband.

“You’re always grumpy when you’re hungry,” she said and kissed his cheek as he chomped down on the chow mien. He grumbled into the tray and continued eating. Lance shrugged off his jacket and took his shoes off with the rest of them at the door. When he turned around Keith was grinning at him.

“You remembered to take off your shoes,” he said. Lance blushed.

“I mean, yeah. Your parents shouted it at me every time I stepped foot in here,” he replied. Keith chuckled and kissed Lance’s cheek.

“C’mon. Sit on the floor with me.”

     They sat at the coffee table with Shiro while Mr. and Mrs. Kogane ate on the couch. Lance was basically inhaling the rice and sweet and sour chicken, and Keith couldn’t help but watch and adore him. Shiro asked Lance about school, and he told them that he was working towards becoming a teacher. Specifically an elementary school teacher or a science middle school teacher. After that, Keith’s parents basically interviewed him about his life since the last time they saw him. Keith was red with embarrassment throughout the whole thing, and Lance merely enjoyed the conversation. Towards the end, there was only one thing to really talk about.

“So…how have you been…recently?” Mrs. Kogane asked. Mr. Kogane was leaning against the couch with his hand on his full belly. He was well on his way into a food coma.

“I’ve been…” Lance hesitated. “I’m not gonna lie it’s been hard, but…I’ve been working really hard to get better,” he said.

“How’s your sessions with Matt? Keith told me you were talking to him,” Shiro asked.

“They’re good. He’s been helping me a lot coming to terms with stuff and figuring everything out,” Lance said nodding. Keith rubbed his back.

“Lance has been making really good improvements. He’s been…a lot better,” Keith murmured. Lance looked at him and they smiled at each other. “Sometimes he’s the happiest I’ve ever seen him…”

“Oh, you boys are gonna rot my teeth,” Mrs. Kogane sighed. Lance blushed and looked away.

“S-Sorry,” he stuttered.

“Nothing to be sorry about, kiddo,” Shiro assured him. Lance nodded, but was otherwise silent. Keith frowned, and that worried Shiro. “Are you okay?” He asked. Lance looked up with raised brows.

“Huh? Oh, yeah…” he nodded and looked at his fingers again. They were fiddling with the carpet, and Keith had to grab his hand to make him still. He sighed and looked up once more. “I just…its feels really nice to be spending time with all of you again…I…I kinda told off my mom earlier today, so…I dunno…this is kinda hard,” he confessed.

“Oh, Theresa?” Mrs. Kogane asked. Lance nodded.

“She found me after my appointment and…she was asking me where I’ve been and why I hadn’t called her back,” he pulled his knees to his chest. “Sh-She noticed the spots on my neck, and…well, she knew Keith did it, and she wasn’t happy with me.”

“I don’t understand how such a loving woman can be so intolerable,” Mrs. Kogane sighed.

“She just wants what’s best for me…” Lance murmured.

“Well, what she thinks is best for you didn’t do anything good to you,” Keith murmured. Lance was quiet.

“Uh…did she say anything about the marks, or…?” Shiro asked.

“I told her I was really exhausted, and she said I wasn’t exhausted enough to spend time with someone…called him ‘that boy’…disgrace…vile…tried to use my siblings to guilt trip me,” he said. Keith squeezed his hand, but it comforted him more than Lance when he felt a soft warm hand over his.

“That’s not fair to you. You _love_ your siblings,” Mrs. Kogane said. Lance nodded.

“Yeah…but, honestly family is the last thing I need right now. I kinda just need a break from it all,” he said. Keith moved closer and leaned his head on Lance’s shoulder. Lance smiled and reached up to run his fingers through Keith’s hair.

“Do you wanna spend the night here? I dunno your school schedule, but I’ll make you boys pancakes in the morning,” she offered.

“Whoa whoa whoa…am I excluded from this offer?” Shiro asked.

“You have a wife and a house of your own, ask her to make you pancakes,” Mrs. Kogane said. They all laughed a little and Lance nodded.

“Sure. All I have tomorrow is another meeting with Matt and then an evening class,” Lance replied.

“Lovely! You can sleep in Shiro’s old room,” she grinned and then got up to start cleaning up dinner.

“Uh, why can’t _Shiro_ stay in _Shiro’s_  old room?” Shiro asked sarcastically.

“Because you’re an adult. Worry about your mortgage, and making me grandkids,” she snapped. Lance looked at Keith with a raised brow and Keith leaned in with a smirk.

“Don’t worry, she never said I couldn’t be with you,” he whispered and then kissed his nose. Lance giggled and nodded.

“Can’t wait.”

 

* * *

 

 

     Lance felt warm nestled in the freshly cleaned sheets in Shiro’s old room. Keith had snuck in  _hours_  ago, and their night had consisted of light making out, to heavy making out, and now slow, half-asleep dry humping. Keith sucked below his collar bones as he dragged his hips between Lance’s long legs. They at least had half the mind to take off their pants, but it got to a point where Lance’s limbs turned to jelly and suddenly the idea of getting sticky cum in his boxers wasn’t as unappealing as he originally thought. He pushed his head back against the pillows, and Keith kissed up the soft expansion of his neck.

“You’re so perfect,” Keith panted. His arms trembled as he kept himself up. Hips steadily shoving against Lance in a way that made light moans spill from his lips.

“Mmm…Ahh…Keith,” he sighed.

     Keith pulled back, and Lance blinked up at his lover. He tilted his head to the side and up to look at him coyly, and then looked him up and down. His tank top sleeves were barely hanging onto his shoulders. Creamy hands moved down Lance’s chest, and pushed up his shirt to display the lovely skin underneath it. Lance swiveled his hips and then arched his back to really push his body into Keith. The man hovering above him could only stare at his perfect complexion.

“Baby…please…” Lance let his head fall back, and within seconds lips returned against it. “I love you…”

“ _Fuck_ ,” Keith growled and shoved his hips extra hard. Lance smirked and bit his lip.

“I love you…Keith, I love you so much…baby…oh, baby, I fucking love you,” he rambled as Keith fucked him harder and faster. Soon Lance was digging his fingers into Keith’s back and shoulders. He dragged them up to Keith’s neck and he raked them down his spine. Keith grunted and attacked his lips.

“Mm…love you…so much…so so…fuck…. _Keith_ …”

     Within minutes they were a puddle of heat and exhaustion. Keith was pressing slow kisses to Lance’s collarbones while Lance gently ran his fingers through his hair. It was easy to ignore the cum drying against his thighs when Keith’s body felt so good on top of his. Keith’s arms wrapped tightly around Lance’s waist, and his eyes closed shut.

“I think…I have a love kink,” Keith murmured, drool starting to drip from his mouth. Lance chuckled and gently patted his arm.

“C’mon. Let’s get up so we can change our underwear,” Lance urged. Keith moaned tiredly and merely nuzzled against Lance’s chest. Lance rolled his eyes and sat up. “Keith, this is gonna give me a rash.”

“Mmph…alright…check the drawer,” Keith mumbled and sat up. Lance jumped out of the bed and walked to the dresser that for some reason had fresh boxer briefs in them.

“Either your mom is prepared for everything or you definitely planned this,” Lance said grabbing the only two pair.

“Mm…knew my mom wanted you to stay the night…” Keith yawned and reached out for the clean pair. 

     They changed into the clean underwear, but Keith held Lance tight before he could crawl back into bed. Lance couldn’t help but smile and run his fingers through Keith’s hair. Tired navy eyes looked up, and Lance was enamored by how soft his lover looked, resting his lips on Lance’s abdomen. They stared at each other for a long time before Keith finally spoke.

“I wanna spend forever with you,” He murmured. Lance felt his heart swell and then nodded.

“I wanna spend forever with you too,” he murmured. Keith blinked a couple times before pulling away and looking around.

“I dunno how you feel about…I dunno,” he sighed as he eyed the nightstand drawer.

“How I feel about what?” Lance asked. Keith looked up at him again.

“Us…how serious you wanna be…the…the _permanence_ of us,” He said slowly and tiredly. Lance frowned and sat down next to him.

“I meant it when I said I wanna give you all of me…” Lance replied. “I…no matter how hard I tried…no one ever made me feel the way you do.”

“Me too,” Keith murmured.

“So…I think it’s safe to say that…I’m finally ready to accept this…” Lance murmured.

     Keith smiled a little and then let out a nervous chuckle. He then reached for the nightstand drawer, and opened it. His hand disappeared inside, and then produced a small black box. Lance’s eyes widened as he looked between the box and Keith’s tired face.

“We don't have to do anything fancy…” he said fiddling with the box. “They could literally just be like promise rings, but…” he trailed off and then handed the box to Lance. Tan fingers trembled as Lance accepted the box, and then he just stared at it for a minute. Keith sat patiently waiting as Lance felt himself start to panic.

“Is it too much?” Keith asked in s whisper.

“I…” a tear dripped down his face.

“Hey, Lance, breath,” Keith encouraged. Lance took a deep breath and then handed the box back.

“I-I can’t open it. You do it,” he said. Keith laughed a little and then nodded.

“Okay…yeah, that’s fair,” he murmured before opening the box.

     More tears rolled down Lance’s face as the glimmering gold rings winked at him from the velvet box. Keith gave a sad smile as he reached up to wipe away at the wetness. Lance then held his wrist and Keith caressed his face. 

     In reality, the two rings in front of him brought on a million questions he didn’t want to answer and problems he didn’t want to fix. In his head, it was the happiest he had ever been. The metal looking back at him promised him all the love and happiness he had been pushing away for so long, and it made him so grateful that he was alive for it.

“I know that if you accept this, you’re basically kissing your family goodbye, so…I understand if you just can’t, and-“

     Keith stopped talking as Lance kissed him. He was eager with his lips, and yet a sniffling, sobbing mess between each kiss. Eventually, Lance gave up on the kissing and instead just hugged Keith. His arms constricting against his neck as he sobbed into his throat.

“Fuck, th-this is-s all s-so much,” Lance murmured wetly.

“Shit, I’m so sorry Lance-“

“No!” Lance pulled away and wiped his tears away. He sniffled once really hard and wiped his nose too, before shaking his head. “No no, this is…this is _perfect_ , Keith. You’re-“ His breath hitched. “Y-you’re just…just so amazing, and…” more tears.

“So…yeah?” He asked. Lance nodded vigorously.

“Yeah. Keith…you make me feel more like myself than anyone else in my life…I don’t care if it’s a marriage or just rings, I just wanna be with you,” He said. Keith smiled and nodded. His eyes were getting dangerously wet as well.

“I just wanna be with you too…” he murmured. His voice sounded choked up, and Lance couldn’t help but laugh and sniffle before leaning closer and kissing him again.

“Mm…lemme put them on,” he urged. Lance nodded and then giggled as he held out his finger. Keith fumbled with the rings a little bit, but eventually got the band on Lance’s finger.

“It's a little loose…but you’ve lost a bit of weight recently and I took your size like last year,” Keith murmured. Lance ignored the comment about his weight. He knew it was because of his recent emotional turmoil, so it didn’t really bother him.

“It’s okay,” Lance replied and took the other band to slip on Keith’s finger. It fit perfectly. “I’ll just have to come over more often so your mom can fatten me up.”

“Of course,” Keith grinned. Lance smiled back fondly before kissing him again.

“I love you, Keith…so much.”

“I love you too, Lance.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Uh, why can’t Shiro stay in Shiro’s old room?”
> 
> Ngl…that’s my favorite line I’ve written…


	9. Split

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I…Lance?” Keith questioned. He bit his lip and looked up at Keith. “What’s going on?” He asked. Lance shrugged.
> 
> “I…just wanted to see if you still cared,” he confessed. Keith was silent for a moment.
> 
> “So…you don’t have a date tonight?” Keith asked.
> 
> “I don’t anymore. I had it all set up, but…” he trailed off looking down. “I just couldn’t bring myself to finalize the plans and shit.”
> 
> -
> 
> After Keith’s proposal, Lance selves into why he almost committed suicide.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: mentions of suicide

     The first thing Mrs. Kogane said when Lance saw her the next morning was “did he do it yet?”, immediately followed by a happy grin and squeal when she spotted the rings. Lance blushed and smiled down at the jewelry. It still felt strange around his finger, but he couldn’t help but adore it. They ate breakfast all together, and chatted about little things. Mr. and Mrs. Kogane asked more questions about Lance’s life since they last saw him, and Mrs. Kogane couldn’t help but ask if there were any wedding plans in the future. Keith told her that they were still thinking about it, and Lance nodded in agreement.

     After breakfast, Keith drove Lance to his appointment. His first class didn’t start for another hour or two, so he told Lance he would be in the waiting room. For some reason, just knowing that Keith was in the other room made Lance feel ten times better and relaxed. He settled into the couch across from Matt and smiled. He played with the ring around his finger with his thumb, still not used to the weight and sensation of it on his skin. Matt smiled.

“Welcome back,” he said.

“I stood up to my mom,” Lance blurted. Matt blinked.

“Wow, Uh…Okay. When did that happen?” He asked.

“Immediately after our last session. She tried to ambush me in the parking lot and I told her that Keith makes me happy,” he said. Matt nodded.

“That’s very good-“

“I also spent the night at Keith’s house, and he still lives at home with his parents and it felt _so good_ to see them again. His mom and dad ordered Chinese food and Shiro was there-“

“Shiro?” Matt questioned.

“Yeah, he said you guys went to college together,” Lance nodded.

“Huh…small world.”

“That’s what I said! Anyways, Keith gave me this ring and…” he trailed off as he smiled down at the gold band. “And I feel really happy,” he finished. Matt smiled.

“I’m glad you’re happy, Lance. That’s very important,” Matt said nodding. Lance chuckled and nodded back.

“Yeah, it's been hard to be happy recently. I mean, one of the reasons I…” he trailed off as he mentally finished his sentence.

“What was one of the reasons, Lance?” Matt asked. Lance sighed.

“One of the reasons was…because I _couldn’t_ be happy with him.”

 

* * *

 

 

     There was a time when Keith and Lance weren’t together. It hurt, and it sucked, but neither of them really remember who broke it off first. The reason was really stupid and really old. They were never super good at communicating, and with a combination of Lance’s nerves, Keith’s hot head, and finals, they got mad and split up. Lance’s dorm was filled with shouting and yelling that night. Tears running down both of their faces as all their pent up emotions from over the years exploded on each other. They were barely past halfway through their sophomore year, and the split barely even lasted to the summer.

     Lance learned quickly that he couldn’t function without Keith as much as he thought he could. Every day he couldn’t help but feel like he was missing a part of his routine. He’d turn into a nervous wreck without Keith there to talk him down, and his eating and sleeping habits had gone to shit despite Lance having the healthier diet of the two. Just thinking about the night they split hurt him because he said so many things that he regretted, but he _knew_  Keith wanted nothing to do with him. He was convinced that he finally completely blew it. He finally pushed Keith beyond his limit, and Lance would never get him back.

     Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, Keith was going through the exact same thing. He drank more wine because it was Lance’s favorite, and he missed Lance. His room was a mess, and his mother was extremely worried about him. Shiro would try and take away his bottle, and Keith would just sit passively and let it happen. He was truly depressed, and he hadn’t been that bad for years. It finally got to a breaking point when Lance “accidentally” sent him a text asking if their date is on tonight. A second text followed saying it was meant for someone else.

     While Keith wasn’t at all innocent when it came to sleeping around while they were split up, he never went on a date with someone. It had only been one or two careless one night stands in the four months they were apart. Keith only used those people to feel something again, his mind completely absorbed in a fantasy that completely excluded the person he was actually fucking. No kissing, no cuddling.

     Needless to say, it drove Keith crazy thinking that Lance was ready to move on. He immediately drove over to his campus and barged into his dorm. Half of him was expecting Lance to already be making out on his counter, and the other half of him expected Lance to not actually be in his dorm. Both of his expectations were wrong though, because when he shoved Lance’s door open he stopped when he saw Lance leaning against his counter with his arms crossed. Alone.

“I…Lance?” Keith questioned. He bit his lip and looked up at Keith. “What’s going on?” He asked. Lance shrugged.

“I…just wanted to see if you still cared,” he confessed. Keith was silent for a moment.

“So…you _don’t_ have a date tonight?” Keith asked.

“I don’t anymore. I had it all set up, but…” he trailed off looking down. “I just couldn’t bring myself to finalize the plans and shit.”

“Oh…” he felt incredibly awkward and unsure. He still wanted to be mad, but he missed Lance so much it took everything in him not to rush forward and attack Lance with love and kisses. “W-Who was it with?”

“Some girl on tinder. I think she lives on campus actually,” Lance said pulling out his phone. “Kelly…Nice girl, but…I just…I couldn’t.”

     Keith closed the door and marched up to Lance. He planted his hands on either side of Lance’s hips on the counter, caging in the taller man and bringing Keith closer to his pulse. Lance set his phone down behind him and sighed as Keith hovered lips over his. His breath smelled like old wine, and cheez-its, and for some reason that made Lance happy.

“Did you really send that text to me on accident?” He asked. Lance shook his head.

“Of course I didn’t. Were you under the impression that I did?” Lance murmured. Keith chuckled and shook his head.

“Maybe, but…I wanted to make sure.”

“I miss you, Keith,” Lance confessed. Keith nodded and finally kissed Lance’s pulse.

“I miss you too…” he murmured.  
“What are we even doing? What were we fighting about?” Lance asked.

“We’re both being stubborn assholes, and we were mostly fighting about being public again,” Keith replied. Lance sighed and wrapped his arms around Keith’s neck.

“I’m sorry…” he mumbled. Keith remained silent for a moment.

“You’re never gonna do it, are you?” He asked quietly. Lance didn’t reply, and that made Keith close his eyes and rest his forehead on his shoulder. “… _why?_ “

“Keith-“

“I just…I know why, but seriously _why?_ “ his voice broke. Lance felt his heart break a little when Keith started to sob in his arms. Usually, Lance was the cry baby, and Keith was the one cradling him until he felt better. Now, all Lance could do was comfortingly rub Keith’s back.

“I’m sorry,” Lance whispered. “I…just…just a little longer, okay? I just-“

“That’s what you _always_ say, Lance!” Keith cried into his shoulder. Tears soaked into Lance’s shirt as strong arms wrapped around him. “I-It’s always a little longer, just a _little_  fucking longer, Lance, and I just ca-a-an’t…” that last word broke into sobs, and Keith held him tighter.

“Keith…I swear-“

“Just stop _lying_ about it,” Keith snapped and repositioned his head to rest against Lance’s chest. “Be fucking honest about it, I don’t care if you dont want to do it just fucking _tell me_.”

“I…”

     Lance really had no idea what to do. He stood uselessly against his counter while Keith sobbed into his neck. If he wasn’t in shock, he would’ve been crying too, but he was too consumed by the fact that he had finally worn Keith down. He was in disbelief of how wet and horrible his sobs sounded, and how his body trembled as he held Lance even tighter.

     Lacking words, Lance gently took Keith and lead him to his bedroom. Of course Keith followed, crying painfully behind him, and crawled into Lance’s bed with him. He couldn’t even look at him as he cried into the pillow. Lance pulled his hair out of his face and continued to cradle his head and hold him close. Keith was clingy, and possessive of the warmth Lance gave him. He could feel that love that Lance always had, and couldn’t help but cry a little more. He truly felt pathetic, and Lance could tell he wasn’t proud based on how he hid his face.

“I want to,” Lance whispered. Keith took a shaky breath.

“…I know…”

“I dunno…I know I keep pushing it off, but…” he frowned and ran his fingers through Keith’s hair. “I get scared. I…I don’t rely on my parents that much anymore. They help with college a little, but not a ton. I’m just scared that…they’ll leave me,” he confessed. Keith nodded, his voice too sore from crying to respond.

“I’m really sorry, Keith. I didn’t mean to make you cry,” he murmured sadly.

“I love you,” Keith’s voice cracked and he let his eyes flutter shut. Lance was quiet for a moment as he continued to lazily run his fingers through Keith’s locks.

“I know you do,” he hummed. Keith nodded and eventually drifted off to sleep. After about ten minutes Lance spoke up. “…Keith…?” No response. He sighed.

“I love you too, Keith…so much.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Why couldn’t you tell him?” Matt asked. “You we’re capable of saying it, but why couldn’t you _tell_  him?” Lance was quiet for a moment.

“I dunno. I was a coward, I guess,” he murmured.

“Is that truly what you think?” Matt asked. Lance nodded. “Well, you’re not a coward. You have a really big mental block, Lance, and it is not your fault,” he said. Lance blinked and then furrowed his brows in confusion.

“What do you mean?” He asked.

“Lance, a coward would’ve ran away the moment Keith walked in the door. He would’ve pushed him off once he started crying, and he wouldn’t have tried to love him in the first place,” Matt explained. “You can call yourself a coward as much as you want, but it took _courage_ for you to have the relationship you had with Keith in your situation.”

“I…I never thought of it that way…”

“I’m guessing Keith has. If all the stories you’ve told me are true and it’s the same Keith that put that ring on your finger…” Lance looked down at the jewelry again. “…then I’d say he understands you more than you understand yourself.” Lance smiled a little.

“He really does…”

“You were denying yourself the right to comfort for so many years, Lance.”

“I…I-I dunno-“

“Lance, love is a _right_. You have the right to love whomever you want. Whomever you fall in love with has the right to love you back regardless of their gender or their status,” Matt explained.

“But you said love isn’t a choice,” Lance pointed out. Matt nodded.

“Yes, and that’s why it’s so important to protect it.”

“Oh…”

“I think you’re still struggling with what your pastor told you as a child,” Matt announced. Lance nodded in agreement.

“He…He was very adamant that day…just, red in the face mad,” Lance recalled. He fiddled with the ring around his finger. “I thought he was talking about me…that he somehow knew exactly what I did, and he was trying to call me out, but…he mentioned the New York law, and it made sense.”

“Do you think that maybe the reason you never wanted to be public was because of that paranoia you felt when you were younger?” He asked. Lance hesitated before nodding.

“I think that’s exactly it, doc,” he murmured. “I couldn’t shake it, y’know? The feeling that I was doing something bad, and that someone would find out. I couldn’t even think about Keith without fearing it was written all over my face.”

“That’s very common to hear, Lance. Lots of men and women from a church or religion have told me that.”

“It’s…it’s tricky, y’know? My mom would always tell me that God can see everything. That-that even when I’m alone, he knows what I’m doing. He knows that I stole cookies off the counter, and that I didn’t do my homework, or I forgot to fold my laundry, and…” he sighed. “…and when I think about Keith…talk to him behind my parents back…lie to go see him…everything.”

“That’s a lot of pressure to put on a child,” he said. Lance sighed and shrugged.

“I guess. She mostly said it so I would still be a good person even when no one was around, but…it just made me feel guilty…”

“Was that another reason?” Matt asked. Lance frowned.

“I…I don’t wanna blame anyone or anything…in the end, I did it because I didn’t know what to do, but…I know now it wasn’t the right thing to do. It didn’t solve anything, and I regret it…but…”

“But?”

“But it kinda helped me…it kinda gave me a reality check. Ever since it happened…I’ve been so glad that I’m alive,” Lance confessed. “I’m happy I’m alive, and I wish I never tried to do that because I didn’t need to almost kill myself to get that.”

“I’m glad you regret it Lance, I really do. That tells me that you know how much it’s impacted yourself and your loved ones. I still want to know the exact reasons why you tried so that we can unpack them and make sure you never try it again,” Matt explained. Lance sighed and then nodded.

“I…I understand.”

“Good,” Matt checked his watch. “We’re our of time today, but until tomorrow, I want you to really think about _why_ you attempted suicide and figure out a way to express it to me through words,” he instructed. Lance nodded.

“Will do, doc.”


	10. Silver ring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You were always such a tease…never kissed me…never initiated anything,” Keith panted as his fingers came into contact with his bare skin again. Lance moaned again and kissed up Keith’s face.
> 
> “I wanna give you everything tonight, baby,” he murmured.
> 
> -
> 
> Lance tells Keith and Matt about what happened before he tried to commit suicide, and figures out what drove him to try it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god…I forgot to update again…I feel so bad…punch me guys I deserve it ;-;

     Silver rings twinkled in Lance’s dim dorm room. Light dripped in from his kitchen, and splashed across Keith’s face. They were just staring at each other as Lance rested his chin on Keith’s chest. Pale knuckles brushed against Lance’s temple as his fingers explored Lance’s skin. Navy eyes bounced off every feature, and Lance’s eyes were stuck on Keith’s earrings. 

     He had two in one ear and one in the other. Lance remembered when he had two in both, but it didn’t last long before Keith lost one of his rings and couldn’t afford another one. He played with the industrial jewelry, and pressed his thumb against the soft lobe. Keith smiled a little and laced his fingers through Lance’s hair. It was calm, and quiet. Lance couldn’t remember a time where he just let himself relax with Keith like this.

“I hate these,” he murmured as he stuck his pinky between Keith’s lobe and ring. He chuckled.

“Yeah? Is that why you’ve been staring at them for the past ten minutes?” He asked. Lance smiled back and shook his head.

“No, I mean…I used to hate them, but…I actually really like them.”

“Well that’s good,” Keith said. Lance bit his lip and pushed himself up. Keith looked up at Lance in his lap, and couldn’t help but let his eyes travel down his chest. Even fully dressed his body was beautiful.

“I…I remember you got your first earring when I just got with Vanessa, and…it drove me kinda crazy,” he confessed. Keith smirked and let out an amused breath.

“Yeah?” His hands creeped up on Lance’s hips, and Lance reacted instantly. He moved his body, hips pushing, back arching, all while he maintained eye contact.

“When you got your seconds…I couldn’t stop thinking about sucking on your ears…biting the metal…feeling you…” he whispered. Keith’s smile faulted a little as he licked his lips.

“We were already together when I got my seconds,” he said. Lance nodded.

“Yeah, I know.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Keith asked. Lance leaned down and kissed Keith on his lips.

“Because…I knew it would turn you on, and…I didn’t wanna start anything,” he admitted. Keith blinked.

“What else have you been thinking over the past five years?” Keith asked. Lance blushed and looked down at Keith’s collarbones.

“Uh…more like six or seven years,” he mumbled shyly. Keith couldn’t help but grin.

“Six or seven?” He asked. Lance nodded.

“After I first saw you in high school, I had a wet dream. It made me feel really guilty, but it just got worse from there…I haven’t told Matt about any of this because…it’s kind of embarrassing,” he murmured. Keith jaw had dropped.

“Wow…”

“Y’know how I said I was only giving you parts of myself, and that I wanted to give you all of me?” Lance asked. Keith nodded. Lance leaned back again and pulled his shirt off. “Well…this is the part of me I never gave you.”

“Lance…” Keith’s voice sounded light and airy, like he couldn’t handle how much Lance turned him on. He touched down Lance’s bare skin, and dug his teeth into his lower lip. He sat up with Lance and pushed their hips together. Lance moaned. “You’re so fucking perfect…”

“I-If I had been totally honest about my feelings throughout our relationship…we’d be doing this every night,” Lance said as his breath was being taken away. Keith dug his hands under Lance’s pajama pants, and kissed down his neck.

“So sexy…why…fuck, I’ve wanted you for so long,” Keith muttered. Lance held on to his shoulders and used his grip to leverage his hips.

“Me too…wanted you for so, _so_ long,” he gasped. Keith bit his neck and pushed the flimsy material over Lance’s ass.

“You were always such a tease…never kissed me…never initiated anything,” Keith panted as his fingers came into contact with his bare skin again. Lance moaned again and kissed up Keith’s face.

“I wanna give you _everything_  tonight, baby,” he murmured.

“Yeah?” Keith asked and kissed him on the lips. Lance whimpered against his mouth and pushed his ass back into Keith’s hands.

“Everything…no dry humping, o-or shitty hand jobs…” Keith slowed down as he started to understand what Lance meant. He pulled back with wide eyes.

“You mean-“

“Fuck me, Keith,” Lance blurted. He lovingly cupped Keith’s face. “Take off all my clothes…take me…”

“D-do you even have any lube? Condoms?” Keith asked. Lance was quiet for a moment.

“I…what?” He asked. Keith couldn’t help but chuckle a little. Lance blushed.

“Lance, we…we can’t just _do_ it. Not without hurting you,” Keith told him.

“I-I don’t care. You can hurt me, I don’t care,” he insisted. Keith stopped Lance from kissing him any further.

“No, babe, I’m not gonna hurt you just so I can put my dick in you,” he replied. Lance furrowed his brows and pinched his lips. He really looked worked up over this. Keith sighed. “Look, I really appreciate you offering that, but this is something we need to plan for and communicate through. I would _love_ to do it with you, trust me, but…your comfort and enjoyment are both very important to me whenever we fuck around,” he explained. Lance nodded before sniffling a little.

“Hey…” Keith pulled him into a hug. “Don’t worry about it, okay? We can go to the drug store tomorrow after our classes, and pick out what we need,” he assured him. Lance nodded.

“I just…Matt really wants me to…t-to think about why I…” he trailed off, and Keith instantly pulled back. He looked at Lance in the eyes and comfortingly rubbed his shoulders.

“Hey…it’s okay…” Lance hiccuped.

“I just…Keith, I-I need to tell you something…”

 

* * *

 

 

     Ever since they got back together, their relationship had been rocky. They avoided talking about certain things, and Lance constantly felt the pressure from Keith to be public with him. If he ever asked, Keith would just assure him that he understood, but Lance knew it upset him still. They had less and less sex because Keith got tired of initiating it. He was tired of shoveling in everything only to get the bare minimum from Lance.

     Things were distant between them over the summer. Lance was at home with his family, so he spent most of his time in the church again. He ran youth group again, and was even a counselor for the church camp. His father asked him to help with the main service as well before he went to teach the children, and Lance would gladly help. He read a passage before hosting the children, and sang hymns with the rest of the church. Once the summer was over, he went back to merely attending instead of running the service.

     The start of junior year was tense. Once Lance was settled in his dorm again, Keith visited and kissed him senseless. He kept muttering about how much he missed him over the summer, and ran his hands all over his body. Lance swore he would never admit how much he loved it when Keith touched him like that. He wanted to hide how just Keith’s lips drove him crazy, and how much he truly a deeply cared for him and loved him.

     He wouldn’t tell Keith any of it because of everything that scared him, and he had no one to talk to about it. Hunk was going to school out of state, and he accidentally stopped talking with Pidge regularly so it felt weird to try and talk to her about it. His family was completely off the table, and that left the shitty college counselor who would feed him the same “love is love” bullshit. Except it wasn’t bullshit, and Lance hated that he thought that.

“Lance…”

“…”

“You…you wanted me to do that, right?” Keith asked. 

     They laid in Lance’s bed next to each other. Lance was hugging himself and trying to relive the euphoria Keith brought him. He blinked up at the ceiling and nodded. A sigh left Keith’s lips, and it made Lance sit up and hug his knees.

“I…can't help but feel like you didn’t want me to,” he confessed. Lance furrowed his brows. Sometimes it was all he could think of, but he couldn’t bring himself to admit that.

“I wanted you too,” Lance murmured.

“Then why does it feel like I just…violated you?” Keith asked. Lance turned his head to look down at Keith and then reached down to touch his leg.

“I dunno.”

     A week later, Keith had Lance pinned against his counter. Hot breath pushing against his mouth as Lance moaned and whimpered under his hands. Their shirts were long gone on the floor, and Lance loved the feeling of Keith shoving himself between his thighs more than anything. His phone went off, but they both ignored it in favor of kissing and touching and feeling. Five minutes later, just as he let Keith pull his pants down, his door bursted open and they stopped.

“Oh my god!” Lance’s mother screamed.

     Without a second thought, Lance scrambled away from Keith and backed himself up against the other side of his counter. He sat on the floor mostly naked except for his boxers and breathing hard. Keith stood there uselessly as Lance’s mother glared at him.

“You _filthy_ boy! Leave my son alone!” She screeched and marched towards him. 

     Keith grabbed his shirt and quickly bolted out of Lance’s dorm. He regretted it, but if he stayed any longer Lance’s mother surely would’ve beat him out of the room. Lance was left shivering on the floor, alone, with his homophobic mother, and that was all Keith could think about for days. 

“Mijo! How _could_  you?” She screeched. Lance sobbed, his pants still around his ankles, and huddled into himself. His mother leaned down and touched his shoulders. “What did I do wrong? How did this _happen?_ “ she begged to know. Lance sobbed harder and shook his head.

“I-I dunno…mama…p-please, forgive me,” he cried into his knees. She sighed and rubbed his back comfortingly.

“It’s okay, sweetheart. Just…” She rested her head against his. 

“D-don’t tell dad…please.”

“I won’t, Mijo. I won’t…”

 

* * *

 

 

“She told me she wouldn’t tell him…but I had to stop seeing Keith,” Lance explained. Matt nodded.

“Mothers tend to forgive more easily,” Matt replied. Lance sniffled.

“I told Keith last night, and…he kinda panicked a little.”

“How come?” Matt asked.

“Because…that happened a week before I…before I jumped into the river,” Lance told him. Matt was silent for a moment.

“Was that one of the reasons, then?” Lance nodded.

“I didn’t realize it until then, but…the thought of living without Keith…made me not want to live at all. I could barely last a week, and everyday I thought about just ending it all. All the pressure from everyone…Keith, my parents, myself…I thought it was the only way to get rid of it,” he said. Matt thought for a moment.

“Okay…but, you’ve learned that that wasn’t the only way.” Lance sighed.

“I knew it was stupid. I thought I pissed off Keith, so much, that there was no way to fix it with him. He tried to call me for a couple days, but quit after he got the idea that I wasn’t gonna return his calls. My mom started talking to me about girls she wanted to set me up with, and my dad…he didn’t even know…I don’t even know if he knows now.”

“It was a lot,” Matt summed up. Lance nodded and wiped away his tears.

“Yes!” He raised his voice. “It was a fucking lot! It was a lot a-and I was too weak to handle it,” he sobbed. “I-I let it get to me a-and I tried to kill myself…”

“Lance-“

“It was pathetic! I’m so in love with him I almost took my life,” he cried.

“Lance, you are not pathetic,” Matt told him sternly. Lance whimpered. “You were in a low spot, and you didn’t know what to do. It wasn’t just because of Keith, and it wasn’t just because of your family.”

“But I-“

“You have years of mental and emotional trauma from _repressing_  these feelings,” Matt explained. “Lance, you have _depression_ ,” he informed him. Lance blinked.

“I…what?”

“You have severe depression, Lance. You’re clearly mentally unwell, and are in a constant state of shame and guilt. From what you’ve told me, you should’ve been in therapy since you were a child,” Matt continued. Lance didn’t know how to comprehend everything Matt was telling him.

“Have you had troubles sleeping?” He asked. Lance nodded.

“Yeah, a lot.”

“Do you find it hard to get into your hobbies? Things you like to do, they sound boring and almost painful to go through?”

“I mean…kinda. This summer doing youth group felt more like just…going through the motions…”

“Do you feel lazy? Unmotivated? Sluggish? So exhausted you don’t even wanna get out of bed some days?”

“Yeah…but that doesn’t mean…does it?”

“Lance, we’ve worked through a lot of stuff together. A mentally healthy individual doesn’t think about killing themselves even if the reason feels unjustified. There is no good or justified reason to kill yourself.” Lance was speechless.

“I…I thought depression was just…feeling sad…” he trailed off and ran his fingers through his hair. “Wow…”

“It sounds like you’ve been dealing with a lot, and what finally triggered you to try and take your own life was feeling truly helpless.” Lance bit his lip.

“What…what should I do? I-I don’t wanna try it again…I-I don’t wanna get that low _again_ ,” he begged. Matt gave a sympathetic smile.

“Lucky for you, there are many ways to deal with depression. It’ll take a little bit of effort, but I believe that we can get you to a healthy mindset,” he said. Lance took a shaky breath.

“You think so?” Matt nodded.

“I know so.”


	11. I love you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Calling Keith…
> 
> …
> 
> …
> 
> Click.
> 
> “Hello?” Keith’s voice flooded Lance’s ears as he stared down at the roaring river. He let out a deep breath.  
> “Hey man…”
> 
> -
> 
> Lance tells Keith he loves him for the first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: DESCRIPTIONS OF SUICIDE ATTEMPT, DROWNING, AND BLOOD.

“Your…your mom told you…”

“To never see you again,” Lance nodded. Keith didn’t know what to do. He just sat there gaping at Lance. His eyes stung.

“She…sh-she…”

“I’m sorry I ignored you, Keith,” Lance murmured. “I’m sorry I called you that day and…a-and I’m sorry I made you upset.”

“Lance, are you saying you tried to kill yourself because of me?” He asked. His voice cracked. Lance bit his lip before shaking his head.

“N-no. It wasn’t because of you. I-I just…I couldn’t.”

“Lance…why couldn’t you just tell me about this?” Keith questioned.

“I-I just-“

“I would’ve _helped_  you…I just…I-I would’ve _been there_ for you,” his voice was thin and tears were falling down his face. Lance swallowed hard.

“I-I just didn’t know what to do…”

“I dunno what else I have to do!” Keith snapped. He got up off the bed and started pacing. “I’ve always been here, a-and you couldn’t even talk to me!”

“I know, a-and I regret it-“

“This really _hurts_  Lance,” Keith interrupted. “It hurts to think that I could’ve _stopped_ you before you even thought about it.”

“Keith, it wasn’t your fault-“

“B-but it sounds like it was! I put all this pressure on you, a-and your mom caught us and…” he stopped talking as his throat closed up.

“Keith, I’m _sorry_ -“

“I need to go home,” he choked and picked up his jacket from the floor. Lance scrambled out of bed and followed Keith to the door.

“Wait, please. It’s late-“

“I just need to think,” Keith muttered and shoved his shoes on.

“Keith-“ he stopped talking as Keith kissed him on the lips.

“I love you…but, you drive me crazy, Lance,” he said. Lance sobbed against his lips and kissed him again.

“Please stay…”

“…I’ll see you tomorrow…”

“Keith…”

“I love you, okay?” He waited for Lance’s response as the taller boy cried. “Okay?” He repeated. Lance nodded.

“I love you too…”

 

* * *

 

 

     Lance didn’t go to his dorm after his session with Matt. Instead, he went to Keith’s house only to be told by Mrs. Kogane that Keith was actually waiting for him back at his dorm. She didn’t get to say anything after that because Lance was already running back to his car and starting up the engine. When he did finally find Keith he was relieved to find him sitting on his counter. He was in the middle of biting into a bagel, but he stopped and gave Lance a guilty look. Bagels were his favorite.

“Oh uh…I didn’t think you’d be back so soon,” he said. Lance dropped his backpack and walked over to hug him. Keith smiled and hugged him back. “Hey…”

“I’m sorry, Keith,” he sighed.

“Its okay, I just…I feel like I should’ve done more to help you,” he murmured.

“Keith, I have depression,” Lance announced. Keith was silent for a moment, still holding Lance and allowing Lance to hug him tighter.

“Is that what Matt told you?” He asked slowly. Lance nodded.

“He thinks I have a lot of built up pressure and trauma from the church…a-and everything happening at once kinda just made me snap,” he explained. Keith pulled back to look him in the eyes.

“From the church? You mean…”

“All the pressure from my parents, and the intolerance, the shame, the guilt… _everything_ ,” he nodded. Keith rubbed Lance’s shoulder. “I’ve loved you for so long, a-and I’m sorry it took me so long to open up to you…”

“Its okay, just…you know I’m here for you now, right? If you ever feel like you’re gonna do something…I’ll be here for you,” he assured Lance.

“Yeah, I know,” he nodded.

“How’s uh…is there anything going on between you and your family?” Keith asked. Lance shook his head.

“I haven’t heard anything from my mom, but…I think I wanna come out to my parents,” he said. Keith tensed, clearly uncomfortable with the idea of Lance talking to his parents, and then breathed.

“I…I won’t lie, I don’t really like that idea,” he admitted.

“Understandable,” Lance muttered. They both chuckled a little.

“But, I trust that you know what you’re doing, so…I’ll support you,” Keith said. “And if you ever need more than just me, you have my mom and dad and Shiro and everyone.” Lance laughed.

“Thanks, that’s really sweet,” he smiled. Keith smiled back.

“It's no problem. I’m just glad you’re letting me in.”

“Honestly, I am too…”

“Well, now that everything is good, wanna go over to Walgreens or something? Now would be a good time to get some supplies for tonight,” Keith suggested. Lance blinked and frowned in confusion.

“Supplies? For what?” He asked. A flirtatious smirk tugged on Keith’s lips as he wrapped his free arm around Lance’s waist.

“Don’t think I forgot about last night,” he said brushing his lips against Lance’s pulse. It went crazy when he kissed it. “All of you is gonna take a bit of preparing, y’know?”

“I-I-“

“C’mon,” Keith said before kissing his cheek in a less than sensual way. He took another bite of his bagel and walked towards the door. “Lets go.” Lance blinked and then followed after him.

“That better not be the last bagel…”

 

* * *

 

 

Calling Keith…

…

…

_Click_.

“Hello?” Keith’s voice flooded Lance’s ears as he stared down at the roaring river. He let out a deep breath.

“Hey man…” he murmured. There was a moment of silence.

“Lance, where are you?” Keith asked. Lance hesitated.

“I’m just by the river,” he answered truthfully.

“Yeah, I can hear it. What are you doing?” Keith questioned further. Lance kicked a rock off the side.

“I’ve been…ignoring you recently,” he said, avoiding the question. Noises came from Keith's line. Footsteps and doors and suddenly his car engine.

“Which river are you at?” He asked.

“The one off Elm street,” Lance answered.

“Stay put, and keep talking,” Keith said sternly. Lance felt his eyes sting.

“What are you doing?” He asked.

“I’m just making sure you’re not doing anything stupid. Now just…don’t move and wait for me to get there, okay? Promise me you won’t move,” he said. Lance was quiet. “Lance, please.”

“I promise…”

“Good, now…just, tell me what’s up? Why are you at the river?” He inquired.

“Nothing, I just…I’m sorry, Keith.”

“You’re fine. You didn’t do anything wrong, just please tell me _why_  you’re at the river,” he begged.

“I’m at the river because I…I’ve been thinking a lot. Probably too much…”

“I’m almost there, Lance! I can literally see the trail,” Keith snapped.

“I miss you…” he whispered. The sound of Keith’s door closing echoed behind him and in his ear followed by footsteps. He didn’t have to turn around to know that Keith was behind him.

“Lance!” He shouted. Lance did turn around, and dropped his phone on the ground he looked at Keith with a frown and red eyes. “I’m right here! You don’t need to miss me!” He said. Lance sniffled.

“I’m sorry-“

“Don’t you fucking dare jump off, Lance!” Keith’s voice broke. Lance laughed a little bitterly and a tear dropped from his face.

“You always knew me better than anyone else,” he murmured.

“Lance…” Keith walked closer, but Lance only backed up. He stopped when he noticed Lance’s heels on the edge.

“I’m sorry I never told you this before, but…”

“Lance, _please_ don’t,” he pleaded. Lance sniffled.

“I love you, Keith,” he said. Keith’s heart broke right before his eyes, and it made Lance cry harder. “I’ve always loved you. I should’ve told you instead of hide it…”

“Lance!”

     The next thing he knew was weightlessness. There was a significant drop from the cliff to the river below, and for a good few seconds, Lance felt like he was finally free. That feeling was ruined once he was plunged into burning icy water. The waves engulfed him, and the rocks scratched and scraped his skin. He couldn’t help but to cry out and try to claw his way up to the surface. Regret filled his body faster than the water filled his lungs, and he was barely conscious of the pain ripping into his forearms. 

     Nails dug into his skin and he was tugged up to air. They dragged over his arms as he was caught on a wave, and suddenly Keith was wrapped all around him and shoving him against the flow of the river. He must’ve blacked out because he had no memory of finding shore, only waking up huddled in Keith’s lap as he cried over Lance’s head. He coughed, and Keith sobbed with relief.

“You’re a fucking idiot!” He screamed. “Why would you do that!” His voice sounded raw and broken. It made Lance reach out with trembling arms to return the embrace. Police sirens and a fire truck horn went off on the highway near them while Lance shivered in Keith’s embrace.

“K-Keith…”

“I love you…I can’t lose you…” he whimpered.

“H-h-how…w-w-w-when d-did you c-c-call…”

“I texted Shiro my location and told him you tried to fucking kill yourself before I jumped in to save your ass!” Keith snapped. 

     Lance blinked up at the police officers peering down at them from the cliff he had jumped off of. The fire truck rolled up quickly after, and they safely got Lance into an ambulance. Keith sat with him, both of them shivering in blankets, and holding him close. Lance didn’t object to the possessive hands on his body, and in fact found comfort in them. He cried next to Keith and hated himself for realizing then that he never wanted to leave Keith again. In life or death…

“What happened! What’s going on! Where is my son!” His mother's voice traveled into the ambulance, and Lance could only whimper and nuzzled against Keith’s neck. The doors were shoved open, and his mother looked at him and Keith with wide eyes. Lance’s father peered over her shoulder, clearly confused, but could tell Theresa was mad.

“Get your filthy hands off my son!” She shrieked. Keith glared back at her and merely held Lance tighter.

“He almost _died_ ,” he responded pointedly.

“That gives you no right to _touch_ him like that!” She shouted and moved to pull Keith away from Lance. To avoid hurting him any further, Keith went along with Theresa. She shoved him out of the ambulance, and he glared up at her and Lance’s father.

“He doesn’t need disgusting sinners like you in his life!” She yelled, pointing her finger at him. “You should be _ashamed_ of yourself for trying to drag my son into hell with you!” She spat.

“I was just-“

“You leave my wife and my son alone, do you understand?” Lance’s father spoke up, his voice deep and demanding. Keith scrunched his face in anger and squeezed his fists. “If you can’t keep your distance, he will not hesitate to file a restraining order.” Keith finally stood up.

“Lance just tried to kill himself and you’re more concerned about me touching him. I just saved his fucking life for you. You’re welcome,” he said before turning around. 

     They shouted after him, but remained in the ambulance. A couple firefighters tried to sit him down and check up on him, but he insisted he was fine. He picked his phone up from the ground where he left it, and then walked over to his car to drive away and patiently wait to hear from Lance.


	12. Giving away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I came here because I wanted to tell you something really important,” Lance announced.
> 
> “Okay…what is it?” His mother asked. Lance took a deep breath before looking over at Keith. He gave Lance a reassuring nod, and then Lance reached over and held his hand. He looked at his parents.
> 
> “I…I’m in love with Keith…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOLY FUCK GUYS IM SO SORRY FOR FORGETTING TO UPDATE AAAAAAAA
> 
> I just got a new job so I spent a lot of time being trained so I forgot to aaaaaa

     Lance sat trembling on the couch. Everything he told Matt hung heavily in the air, and he hated reliving all of that. Matt was writing something down and nodding. As much as he hated telling Matt about this, it felt good to get it off his chest. He had avoided talking about it for so long.

“I’m very glad you told me about this incident through your point of view,” Matt said. “When I read the police report…I gotta say I was kind of speechless.”

“I wanna come out to my parents,” he blurted. “They haven’t spoken to me since I…lashed out at my mom, but…I wanna tell them that I’m not gonna file the restraining order and…maybe tell them I’m getting married,” he explained and fiddled with his ring. Matt nodded.

“Okay…well, I can't exactly force you to do or not do anything, but…I’d advise you to proceed with caution,” Matt warned. Lance nodded.

“Yeah. I realize…they won’t have the best reaction,” he replied. Matt smiled.

“As long as you feel safe to do so, then I see no problem with it. You are an adult, and you’re almost done with college. It’s a good time to take your life into your own hands,” he said. Lance smiled back.

“Thanks, doc.”

“No problem. I think we’re ready to move onto every other day sessions next week. Does that sound good to you?”

“That sounds perfect.”

 

* * *

 

 

     Lance climbed into the car and smiled over at his lover. Keith already had his sunglasses on and the keys in the car. He smiled back and leaned over to kiss Lance on the lips. That made him giggle before cupping Keith’s face and kissing him back.

“Are you ready for this?” Keith asked. Lance nodded.

“Yeah. Thank you so much for coming with me,” he said. Keith smirked and put the car into reverse to pull out.

“Of course. Honestly, I’m kinda looking forward to watching your mom's face shrivel up like she just ate a lemon,” Keith replied. Lance laughed.

“Lord knows she’s got a bitter pill to swallow!”

     Lance’s house was a little further from his campus than Keith’s. It was a half an hour drive from Matt’s office, and when they arrived, Lance was a lot more nervous than when he first got in the car.

     His parents lived in a rather big house on a hill. Keith parked and pulled his e-brake, and then grabbed Lance’s hand to squeeze it. Lance let out a breath and squeezed back.

“Do you want me to stay in the car or go with you?” Keith asked.

“Come with me, please. I don’t trust myself not to just start crying when I see them,” Lance replied. Keith nodded and rubbed his back.

“I just wanna let you know…I know that this isn’t easy for you,” Keith said. Lance looked up at him with a slightly pained expression. “We grew up together, and…I know firsthand how important your family is to you. I know how much you love your parents and your siblings, so…I know this isn’t easy for you, and honestly I hope you’re not doing this entirely for me,” He said. Lance shook his head.

“No…no, I’m doing this because…because i-it’s my _right_  to love you, and if they can’t accept that, then they don’t deserve to be in my life,” he said. Keith smiled.

“I love you too…” they laughed a little and then Lance sighed.

“Alright…now or never, right?”

“Right.”

     It was nerve wracking just standing in front of the door. Lance couldn’t stop shaking, and even when Keith held his hand, he was still trembling. He was halfway tempted to let go of Keith’s hand and tell him maybe it was best if he went back to the car, but he stopped himself before the thought could finish in his head. Instead, he held Keith’s hand tighter and knocked on the front door. He braced himself to be faced with his father’s tall stature, but was relieved to see one of his little sisters answer the door. He smiled at her, and she looked up at him with wide eyes.

“Lance!” She screamed and rushed to hug him. Lance laughed and kneeled down to hold her.

“What’s up squirt? Still causing trouble?” He asked.

“ _I’m_ not in trouble! You’re in trouble because mama has been worried sick about you!” She replied. Lance chuckled and ruffled her curls.

“Ah, I missed you Veronica,” he said. She hugged him again.

“I missed you too.”

     Lance looked up to see his mother slowly approach them, and then stood up. He smiled a little with his hand still in Veronica’s hair. Her eyes were rapidly shifting between Lance and Keith, and that made him nervous. After a few moments of silence, Theresa cleared her throat.

“Lance…it’s good to see you,” she said. Lance nodded.

“It’s good to see you too,” he replied.

“Lance, who’s your friend?” Veronica asked. Lance looked down at her and then at Keith.

“This is Keith. He’s a very good friend of mine. He went to church with me before you were born,” he told her. She let go of Lance and then grabbed onto Keith’s leg. He blushed, obviously unsure of how to handle a small child, but patted her head regardless.

“Hi, Keith! I’m Veronica!” She introduced with a grin. He nodded and smiled awkwardly.

“Hey…Veronica.”

“Lance, why don’t you and Keith come inside? There’s something your father and I would like to discuss with you,” Theresa said. Lance nodded and stepped inside, Keith and Veronica following him and closing the door. “Veronica, honey, why don’t you go and find your older siblings and play with them? Mommy and daddy have a lot to talk about with Lance and his friend,” she said.

“But he just got here! I wanna talk to Lance and his friend!” She protested crossing her arms. Theresa crouched down.

“That’s no way to get something you want, okay mija? You’ll have plenty of time to talk to Lance before he goes back to school,” she assured her. Veronica continued to pout, but nodded anyways. Theresa kissed her forehead and sent her upstairs.

“I’m sorry it’s been so long since I last tried to talk to you. Your father and I have done a lot of talking, and I figured you still needed some time,” Theresa said. Lance nodded as they followed her into the kitchen. His father was sat at the table with his hands clasped in prayer. He opened his eyes as they all entered the room.

“I’ve done a lot of talking too,” Lance said.

“Go ahead and sit, and I’ll get you and Keith some water. You look pale, so you must be dehydrated,” she said. 

     Lance smiled and nodded. Even when she was upset with him, she always wanted to take care of him. Lance sat across from his father so Keith wouldn’t suffer his direct stare, but it was helpless because his father’s eyes instantly settled on the pale boy at at his table. Theresa was close behind them with two glasses she set in front of them.

“Thank you,” Keith murmured and took a sip. She nodded.

“So…how has your therapy been?” Theresa asked Lance.

“It's been really good. My therapist has…has really helped me understand why I did what I did, and I can confidently say I’ll never try something like that again,” he said. He was fiddling with his ring again, and it caught his mother’s eye.

“That’s good. That’s…very good,” she nodded. “Lance, I hope you know that your safety is what is most important to us. Sometimes we just…we get too caught up in it.” Lance nodded.

“I came here because I wanted to tell you something really important,” he announced.

“Okay…what is it?” His mother asked. Lance took a deep breath before looking over at Keith. He gave Lance a reassuring nod, and then Lance reached over and held his hand. He looked at his parents.

“I…I’m in love with Keith, and…we have plans to be pretty permanent,” he said. His parents didn’t look shocked, but instead mildly uncomfortable. His father stiffened, and Theresa and bit her lip. “I dunno if that means marriage, or just spending the rest of our lives together, but…I’ve loved Keith since we were little, a-and I’ve really tried to fight it in the past, and…it made me miserable,” he confessed. A tear rolled down Theresa’s face.

“I’m sorry, mijo…” she sniffled. “We just wanted what we thought was best for you, and…clearly you’re old enough to know what’s _really_ best for you,” she said. Lance blinked, unsure if she was saying what he thought she was saying.

“Uh…I…”

“I talked to your father that day when I tried to get you to come home. He was…furious at first,” she said as she rubbed her husband’s back. “But as the days went by…and we heard nothing from you…” she looked at her husband and then sighed. “We realized we missed you too much to be mad at you.” Lance felt his eyes start to water and sting.

“I…I-I missed you too,” he said. She sniffled and wiped her tears away, careful not to disturb her makeup.

“We can’t guarantee that we wholeheartedly…understand and agree yet, but…we don’t want to disown you. We don’t want to cut off ties because we _love_ you.”

“I love you too,” he murmured. Keith squeezed his hand and cleared his throat.

“Um…I just wanted to say that…Lance is an amazing person. Family has always been important to him, and I respect that a lot,” he said. Theresa smiled at Keith, and he couldn’t remember the last time that woman shared a warm expression with him.

“Thank you, Keith. I…I apologize for the way I treated you after I found out. Anyone who can make my son happy should make me happy,” she said. Keith nodded.

“My only question is who gives who away?” Lance’s father said. It was the first time he has spoken since Keith and Lance arrived, and his question spread confusion across the table.

“Who…gives what?” Theresa asked.

“For the wedding,” he said as if it was obvious. “Am I giving Lance away, or is Keith’s father giving him away? I dunno the roles of…” he pointed between Keith and Lance. “…this.” They all laughed and Lance covered his face with his hands out of happiness that his father was actually talking about a _wedding._

“Oh my goodness…”

“I dunno really. I guess it’s up to you if you’d like to give Lance away,” Keith replied. “My mom would honestly just want to be in charge of filming the whole thing.”

“How is Ann? It’s been years since we talked,” Theresa asked. Keith nodded.

“She’s good. She got a promotion recently actually,” Keith replied.

“Oh, that’s good. She always deserved that…”

     The four of them continued to talk and catch up. A couple of Lance’s siblings came downstairs because they were curious as to whether or not Veronica was lying about Lance being home. Once it was confirmed, the rest of Lance’s little siblings came downstairs and crowded around him. He couldn’t believe how fast some of them had grown, already in middle school and high school while poor Veronica was the last sibling in elementary school. 

     They all asked about his “weird friend”, and Lance fully introduced Keith as his boyfriend. A couple of his older siblings looked a little shocked by that, but all the younger ones were in awe of the fact that Lance was dating a boy. It was forgotten in a minute after asking Keith a million questions about his earrings and his ripped jeans. Then Theresa invited them to stay for dinner, and everything felt like it had reached some level of normal again.

     That night Lance went back to his dorm with a full stomach and a full heart. He smiled as he reminisced in the happy memories from that night of spending time with the people he loved. It was almost too good to be true, like a dream. He never thought he’d be able to freely love Keith and his family at the same time, and finally watch his two worlds collide peacefully. 

     When they got home, Lance drifted off to sleep in Keith’s arms with a smile, and felt truly content and happy for the first time in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There’s an epilogue and tbh I think I’ll just post that right after this bc I should’ve been posting it today but I forgot to post this chapter on Friday so…y’all deserve a double update <3


	13. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I can’t exactly kiss you more than once up there. It would embarrass you and your siblings way too much,” Keith said. Lance rolled his eyes.
> 
> “And you couldn’t wait until after the ceremony to do this?” He questioned.
> 
> “We both know very well that we won’t get any quality time alone until at least midnight.”

“Marco! Elena! Wait for me!” Veronica called as she zoomed past Keith. He smiled at the young children running throughout the church. 

     Lance’s family was big and full of energy. There were dozens of new faces that varied in complexion, but seemed to share one common feature or another. Aunts and uncles and cousins that Lance had listed off by name countless times, but Keith was still drawing a blank to most of them. He snuck out of the main room while Lance’s father was preparing for the ceremony and made his way to the room he knew Lance was hidden away in. Lance’s older cousin, Emily, was guarding the room with her child fast asleep on her lap. She was still a toddler, and Keith couldn’t remember her name to save his life. Emily looked up at him with a raised brow.

“Back again?” She asked. Keith chuckled and shrugged.

“Figured it was worth another try,” he replied. She rolled her eyes and shook her head.

“You know the rules. It’s tradition,” she replied. Keith pursed his lips and stuffed his hands in his pockets.

“Tradition seems a little irrelevant in this situation, don’t you think?” He replied. Emily snorted, and her child rose from her sleep.

“Mama?”

“Oh, I’m sorry sweetie. Did I wake you?” She asked. The child nodded and pouted.

“My mouth feels sticky,” she whined.

“You should get her some water,” Keith suggested. Emily glared up at him. “Don’t worry. I’ll keep watch while you’re gone,” he assured her.

“ _You’re_  the reason I have to stay here and watch,” she hissed. Keith shrugged, and Emily sighed.

“I suppose you’ll find a way, regardless,” she surrendered and stood up with her child in her arms. “C’mon, mija, let’s get you a glass of water.” 

     Keith watched her walk away before slipping inside the room. Lance stood in front of a mirror obsessing over his tie. He wore a dark navy blue suit that complimented his eyes beautifully. It contrasted subtly against his black bow tie, and the lapels were a shiny satin against the polyester and cotton. Keith couldn’t help but smile as he shut the door, and Lance stiffened at the sound of the click. He made eye contact with Keith through the mirror and whipped his head around to glare at him with wide eyes.

“What are you doing in here?” He hissed and marched over to his soon to be husband. Keith was speechless, and could only look Lance up and down with loving eyes. Lance blushed and stood in front of him with his hands on his hips. “My father is gonna _kill_  you if he finds out you saw me before the ceremony! What happened to Emily? Did she-“ he stopped talking as Keith leaned in and kissed him. It was only one kiss and it was the sweetest kiss Keith had ever given him.

“You look…amazing,” he murmured. Lance blushed as their fingers intertwined.

“I-I just look like a man in a suit,” he stuttered avoiding his eyes. Keith chuckled and let go of one hand to caress his cheek.

“You look like so much more than that,” he said softly. Lance nearly crumbled under Keith’s loving gaze, but managed to keep himself together by looking away again.

“Whatever…get out before someone catches you,” he grumbled. 

     Keith smirked and leaned in to kiss him again. Lance allowed Keith’s mouth to cover his, and melted at the heat of his lover’s tongue against the seam of his lips. While Keith’s kisses were less than chaste, they all had intentions of love. He held Lance closer by his waist, and kissed down to his jaw. Lance held his head and pulled him away. Finally, he smiled at his fiancé.

“I can’t exactly kiss you more than once up there. It would embarrass you and your siblings way too much,” Keith said. Lance rolled his eyes.

“And you couldn’t wait until _after_ the ceremony to do this?” He questioned.

“We both know very well that we won’t get any quality time alone until at least midnight,” Keith replied. Lance sighed in defeat.

“I guess you’re right,” he murmured before leaning in again. Before their lips met, Emily opened the door behind them.

“Hey, lovebirds, Theresa is on her way back,” she hissed.

“Oh crap, get out!” Lance squeaked and pushed Keith away.

     Keith laughed and allowed Emily to pull him out. She pushed him further down the hall and away from Theresa. He walked away quickly and found his way back into the main room. His eyes surveyed the room, and finally spotted his own family. Shiro, Allura, and Keith’s parents were all mingling with Lance’s extended family. He for sure though he spotted Hunk talking with one of the aunts and uncles, and Matt stood next to Shiro and Allura. A smile spread across his face, and after all the stress of planning for months and months that added up to a year and a half, he could confidently say it was worth it.

“I always thought you had a big ass gay crush on Lance.” Keith looked down at the pale woman in a suit who suddenly appeared next to him. He chuckled.

“Glad you could make it, Pidge,” he said. She shrugged and knocked back the rest of her wine.

“Free drinks, free food, and free cake? Of course I came,” she teased. Keith rolled his eyes and shook his head. “I remember one time when you were totally wasted in high school, you kept going on and on about how much you wanted to marry Lance,” she recalled.

“I always went on about that when I got wasted in high school,” he replied with a smirk. “I was totally high off the fact that I was _dating_ him.”

“Yeah, fuck you guys for not telling me that,” Pidge said. Keith laughed and Shiro joined them.

“Hey, Pidge. How’s that internship?” He asked.

“It fucking sucks. I hate Texas and I hate Microsoft,” she replied.

“I’m sure it’s not that bad…”

     Conversations continued until it was finally time for the ceremony. Then the ceremony continued until it was finally time for the reception. Lance’s mother was in charge of all of it, and that meant it was all home cooked food and heartfelt family speeches. A lot of embarrassing childhood stories, and a lot family members confessing that they didn’t fully understand Lance’s sexuality but that they loved him more. 

     Keith found out later that night that some of Lance’s family didn’t even show up because they wouldn’t accept him. He wouldn’t let Keith say sorry because it didn’t upset him as much as he thought it would. He pressed a thin finger to Keith’s lips as they sat in their room for their honeymoon, and assured him that he had everything that he needed. Keith smiled and leaned in to kiss him.

     They had found the most perfect place to celebrate their marriage. It was a literal tree house they rented and they decided to rent somewhere warm. Not a lot happened their first night together since their feet hurt so much from dancing all night, but once they woke up it was magical.

     Lance’s ring fit perfectly now. It was snug around the meat and bones of his finger, and it shimmered in the morning rays. Their suits were discarded on the floor, and the gold around his finger contrasted against the silver on Keith’s ears. His pale skin was glowing in the late morning sun, and Lance smiled as he ran his fingers through dark locks. Metal grazed metal as he brushed his knuckles past Keith’s ear and down his jaw.

     Once they were both awake they wasted no time getting closer and closer. Hands touching and exploring while mouths shaped around meaningless words before meeting. Their bodies fit perfectly like they always did, and the warmth between them filled the room as if they were drowning in it.

     Keith was very pink from his cheeks to his mouth, and Lance loved it. He was pink at the tips of his ears, his tongue, his chest, even his shoulders. Lance kissed every inch of the beautiful color and allowed Keith to push him down and crawl on top of him. 

     His arms were still nearly stark white, and his waist and hips were as soft and sturdy as always. Everything was normal. Everything was exactly how it has been between them for the past year and a half, but at the same time it was entirely different. Keith’s touches had a new meaning now that it bore a binding ring. His mouth was richer now that Lance had watched it spill his golden vows. His kisses sweeter after they had been coated in the frosting of their wedding cake. It made Lance so incredibly happy.

“Good morning,” Keith murmured with a smirk against Lance’s lips. A giggle bubbled from Lance’s chest and he wrapped his arms around Keith’s neck.

“Morning,” he whispered back.

“Did we really get married, or was that some crazy dream?” He asked pushing his hips closer between Lance’s legs. He bit his lip, cursing the fact that they left on their underwear from last night.

“It's hard for me to believe too, but…yeah,” Lance nodded softly. His words caressed Keith’s mouth and lured him into pressing it to Lance’s.

“We’re married,” he said with a grin. Lance smiled back and slid his hands down to cup Keith’s face.

“Yeah…”

“I knew we’d get married one day,” Keith hummed and kissed down Lance’s jaw. Lance chuckled and tilted his head back.

“Oh yeah?” He questioned playfully. Keith ran his hands down smooth cinnamon skin, and held Lance even closer against his hips.

“Yeah…the first time you kissed me…I knew I wanted to marry you,” Keith replied. Lance laughed and rolled his eyes.

“The first time I kissed you you asked me why,” Lance reminded him. Keith gently kissed down his neck, and then scrapped his teeth against his pulse. Lance shivered despite the Arizona sun.

“Just wanted to make sure I wasn’t the only one making wedding plans,” He said simply. Lance smile and bit his lip as Keith continued his lazy kissing and biting down his neck.

“I might’ve been making plans before I kissed you,” Lance replied teasingly. Keith chuckled against his collarbones, and Lance felt a rush of heat travel down his body in response.

“Thank god. Now I feel less pathetic about all the times I rambled drunk about marrying you in high school.”

“That was cute. It wasn’t pathetic,” Lance said and played with Keith’s hair. He lifted his head to plant a kiss on Lance’s lips.

“Well it's romantic now. I basically called it,” he said with another smirk. Lance sighed and then finally nodded.

“I’ll admit. You called it,” he said passively. Keith raised a brow.

“What? No argument?” He asked. Lance merely looked at his husband's face and shook his head with a smile.

“No…I’m too tired and too happy to give a shit right now,” he admitted. Keith’s eyes instantly lit up, and he leaned in to kiss Lance again.

“Me too…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that’s it!! That’s the end!! Thank you all so much for your lovely comments and all the kudos! I put a lot of love and thought into this story, and my main goal was to write about how religion continues to affect LGBT youth into their adult lives. I wanted it to be realistic, and I wanted to show that suicide is not the answer. If you feel like you’re having negative thoughts and are considering ending your life, please open up to someone about it. Whether it’s an adult your trust or maybe an older friend who can get you the help you need.
> 
> If anything was legitimately triggering to anyone, I hope you’re okay. This story got really dark at some spots, and I understand if it was hard to read.
> 
> Thank you all so much again for your support and your love. I cannot express into words how much I appreciate it <3

**Author's Note:**

> Hmu
> 
> Snapchat: ksenialynns  
> Tumblr: fryingpanss.tumblr.com  
> Insta: @lynnart1998


End file.
